Listen. I know you guys, and if our site stats are any indication, I know you guys loooove you some photos of scantily clad Olympians shilling for luxury brands. (Hello to the over 25,000 views to the Team Italy D&G photo omg.) SO with that being said, I present you with an extremely awkward (but somehow still strangely alluring) photo of Michael Phelps crouching in a too-small bathtub in a too-small Speedo for Louis Vuitton:
Um, yes please. Interestingly enough, while the mega-swimmer has indeed landed himself an LV campaign, this bathtub shot is apparently not an official LV photo, according to the DailyMail.
Official or not, I will be enjoying the existence of this photo for at least 25,000 more views. Thank you, Louis Vuitton!
I’m here I’m here! I only missed a few minutes of it! I’m the worst. Tonight is the official end to the Games of the XXX Olympiad (aka the Olympics of sexy. Muahahah) and I am watching coverage on NBC with the rest of the annoyed, tape-delayed world. I will likely be crying A LOT.
They just started it early. Thanks a lot NBC. Emeli Sande is singing to open the ceremony, accompanied only by a piano and oh man, is she off key. Kim would like you to know, however, that her tone is good. Okay.
There is a CHOIR, which, whatever, choirs make everything better. The choir is being accompanied by people suspended from the London Eye, banging on pots and pans, as well as the London Symphony Orchestra.
On the stadium floor there are replicas of identifiable London landmarks like Big Ben and St. Paul’s Cathedral. WINSTON CHURCHILL is speaking to the crowd now and there are lots of cars and trucks and traffic all moving around the floor, wrapped in newspaper which the announcers tell us are excerpts from popular British authors. Now the President of the IOC, Jacqeus Rogge, is being welcomed in by Prince Harry on behalf of The Queen, and the flag of the United Kingdom is being raised as the national anthem plays. Aw. HI HARRY.
Okay after a quick commercial break, we are back with a young Michael Caine counting down to something. BUT WHAT? Oh, Madness singing Our House. YAY 80′S. Oh my God, there is a man playing the saxophone, and he is FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.
This next part happens so fast that I will just have commentary from Twitter and iChat to cover it:
ONE DIRECTION AHHHHH!!!! Kim and I are confused that they’re on so early. They are performing “What Makes You Beautiful” and I really unabashedly love One Direction, you guys. It’s so ridiculous. I’m too old for this shit. THEY’RE JUST ADORABLE, OKAY. I CAN’T HELP IT DON’T YOU JUDGE ME. And so well dressed all the time.
OKAY now Stomp is performing and I had no idea Stomp was a British thing. Who knew! DANCING AROUND WITH BROOMS AND TRASHCANS. GO GO GO. There are people just dancing around the floor of the stadium and I want to be one of those people.
After a commercial break they are welcoming the athletes into the stadium and the announcers make sure to explain the OBVIOUS, but telling us that they are marching in all together as one group, to unify all the countries. We get it, announcers.
They are talking about the triumphs of certain athletes and they talk about Oscar Pistorius and I want to hug him and I am going to cry like 12 times during this whole thing.
Kim and I are talking about which athletes stay for the Closing Ceremony and which ones leave. A lot of the swimmers left a while ago, which I guess I can understand… Swimming ended a week ago! But still, being part of this is so huge. A lot of the swimmers also miss the Opening Ceremony as well because competition starts for them at the beginning of day 1, so I would think more of them would stick around the the closing. Shrug.
I probably mentioned this during the Opening Ceremony, but I LOVE when the athletes are clearly so excited to be part of this, and they have their cameras up and out and are just as awed by the spectacle of it all as the rest of it. This goes as much for the ceremonies as much as it does for the games themselves. Seeing Kobe Bryant at Michael Phelps’ last race, with his iPhone out, taking photos of the momentous occasion, it was awesome. Seeing the Duchess of Cambridge stop and awkwardly talk to the Fab 5 during the Vault competition was cute (and so awkward). Michelle Obama hugging pretty much every member of the US Men’s Basketball team. It’s a good feeling.
OMG BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS SONG. IT’S SO GOOD.
Okay now there’s a childrens’ choir singing “Imagine” by John Lennon, and they’re doing sign language, and wasn’t this stolen flat out from Glee? What? Now there’s a clip of John Lennon singing. MORE CHILDREN. MORE SIGN LANGUAGE. MORE TEARS!
OH MY GOD. OK I’M HAVING A MOMENT. GEORGE MICHAEL. “FREEDOM ’90″ IS PLAYING. I’M HAVING A PROBLEM. I NEED TO OK BRB I NEED TO JUST ENJOY THIS
If you couldn’t figure it out, I am a HUGE, NON-IRONIC, George Michael fan. You don’t even know.
Now the Kaiser Chiefs are singing The Who, I guess. I don’t know the name of this song. Sorry.
DAVID BOWIE TIME. They’re just playing small clips of his songs and showing crazy photos of him. I hope they show him as JARETH THE GOBLIN KING.
Nope, they’re not going to.
OH MAN YOU KNOW WHO I WANT THEM TO TRIBUTE? PETER GABRIEL. I WOULD DIE.
They’re playing “Fashion” and parading huge banners of supermodels wearing clothes by British Designers. KATE MOSS appears LIVE IN PERSON. Along with SDKLJFGSDFJNGLKSJDFNGLKSDFJ
SORRY I had another moment when they showed Nathan Adrian in his slightly too small Ralph Lauren cap being in awe of the super models.
Now its ANNIE LENNOX in all her ~*~*GAWTHIC GLORY~*~*~*. She is riding in on a bare-bones PIRATE SHIP or something. This is nuts. Annie Lennox you are so nuts and awesome. Gimme summa dat DOOBIE DOOBIE DOOT DOOT DOOT. AH AH.
After a commercial break we are back with a Pink Floyd tribute. “Wish You Were Here” is being performed by some cute Gingey named Ed Sheeran. No idea who he is but I like his voice and I loooooove this song, like every other person in the world. UGH EMOTIONS.
Now there’s a guy walking on a tightrope to a mannequin which he sets on fire, in a recreation of the album cover for Wish You Were Here. I’d like to say I knew that, but I did not. THANKS ANNOUNCERS.
Now it’s WILLY WONKA TIME. OH FUCK AND IT IS TOTALLY RUINED BY BEING PERFORMED BY RUSSEL BRAND. I HATE THAT GUY. Now he is singing “I am the Walrus”, I guess. Kim had to tell me because I had no idea. I guess this is a Beatles thing I don’t understand.
He’s standing atop a LOOOOVE BUS and there are scantily clad women playing violins and creampuff fairy ladies dancing around.
HOLY SHIT NOW ITS FATBOY SLIM.
I love how I knew about most of the performers before this started but I am still surprised by all of them. He is playing Right Here, Right Now, and I loooove this song. Now he is playing Rockafeller Skank and there is A LOT OF DANCING HAPPENING. I think I should also note that this entire production is being performed inside of a GIANT OCTOPUS. No idea.
Now it transitions to Jessie J and I love her. Kim and I are having literally opposing views on almost everything happening here. She is singing Price Tag and it’s cute. She’s singing in a car going around the stadium, with a bunch of other fancy cars. Then she is joined by TINIE TEMPAH, who I have literally never heard of before. I’m so old, you guys.
AHHHH ITS TAIO CRUZ YOU GUYS. SINGIN’ DYNAMITE. THIS SONG IS SO GOOD.
WE GON ROCK THIS CLUB
WE GON GO ALL NIGHT
WE GON LIGHT IT UP
LIKE ITS DYNOMITE
SINGIN HEEEEYOOOOO GALILEOOOO.
Wait he doesn’t actually say Galileo? Whoops.
THROWIN MY HANDS UP IN THE AIR SOMETIMES, GUYS. I REALLY DO. I ALSO CELEBRATE AND LIVE MY LIFE. I just got a promotion the other day so I’M GONNA LIGHT IT UP LIKE ITS DYNOMITE.
I need to stop.
Now Jessie J and that Tinie guy and Taio are singing some BEE GEES. Well, okay. Fine, whatever, I’m dancing, I’ll admit it. I’m dancing and blogging. I’m blog dancing.
Ryan Seacrest, who the hell invited you to the Olympics? He just told us that THE SPICE GIRLS ARE NEXT!!!!! What songs do we wish they will sing?
I need some 2 Become 1 you guys.
OH MY GOD THEY’RE HERE. THEYRE ROLLING IN ON LONDON TAXIS THAT SAY SPICE ON THEM. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS. ITS THE FUCKING SPICE GIRLS YOU GUYS I AM BEING TRANSPORTED TO 6TH GRADE.
They are singing If You Wanna Be My Lover and THEY LOOK AND SOUND SO AWESOME. Now they’re singing SPICE UP YOUR LIFE. I will likely download some Spice Girls albums later tonight. Sigh.
SHAKE IT SHAKE IT SHAKE IT. ARRIBA.
Oh man okay the ladies are being driven around atop a bunch of cars, and they all look TERRIFIED that they’re going to fall and it’s a little bit hilarious. LADIES, BE CAREFUL.
Liam Gallagher is up next and he is singing WONDERWALL, which… I think I am dying from the sensory overload of all of this good music being presented to me right now. This song is too much for me. Kim is telling me this whole really interesting thing about Liam not wanting to sing Oasis songs because he didn’t write them, and I am interested but also really just GLAD THIS SONG IS BEING PERFORMED RIGHT NOW. IT MEANS A LOT.
I like that there’s no flashy dancing or cars or anything during this performance, also. WONDERWALL DOESN’T NEED IT.
ELECTRIC LIGHT ORCHESTRA TIME. There’s like old timey people and then like a guy on a bicycle with a propeller and a huge canon and I’m so confused right now.
MORE PEOPLE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. Oh man, this guy is a human canon. This is so weird. What? Did that work? No, it didn’t. Oh it’s Eric Idle. He’s silly.
Now he’s singing some “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life.” BAHAHAHA. The crowd is singing along REALLY loudly and its totally adorable. OH MAN THEY HILARIOUSLY JUST SHOWED PRINCE HARRY SINGING AND WHISTLING, AND I LAUGHED SO HARD OUT LOUD.
Eric Idle is dancing with so many soldiers and nuns and oh, Monty Python. Now there’s some BOLLYWOOD DANCING and he just looks confused but is trying to dance along. SO HILARIOUS.
Now there’s a crazy clip of Freddie Mercury and it’s not QUITE a hologram, Tupac, but it’ll do.
Brian May is playing the most epic guitar solo right now, and this is AWESOME. I have to say, I wasn’t a fan of the Opening Ceremony two weeks ago, but this closing ceremony is incredible. Roger Taylor joins him on the drums and now there’s more Jessie J and of course they are going to play We Will Rock You and I can’t handle this it’s too much.
If they are attempting to lure people to London, it is working. I want to go so bad.
Now is all the traditional stuff of raising the flag of Greece to honor the birthplace of the Olympic Games. They lower the flag of the Olympic Games to signify the end of the games and hand it from Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, to the mayor of Rio De Janeiro, Eduardo Paes. Now they are raising the flag of Brasil while playing the national anthem. This is a cute anthem. I’m really bummed that these games came and went and we got not even one instance of Brazilian swimmer, Cesar Cielo, going totally insane about anything. SIGH.
Now they’re doing a little tribute to the next host city, and I have been waiting to see how they hand it over! There’s some tap dancing and samba and brooming (??) and a little bit of Carnaval action happening.
I’m not sure how to explain anything that is happening right now. HEY ANNOUNCERS, EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. There’s some people dressed in tribal attire if the tribal attire was designed by the Black Eyed Peas. The announcers say this is a tribute to how Rio is a welcoming and multicultural city.
Now its time for some CAPOEIRA while Brazilian performers sing and dance. Seu Jorge is there as is Alessandra Ambrosio.The Brazilian athletes don’t look very excited, tbh. If I was in a foreign country and they were doing a tribute to my home I would be FREAKING OUT.
Okay, I’m bored of this. Sorry. Can we get some more Taio Cruz now?
OH WAIT THERE’S FIREWORKS. WOOHOO.
And Pele. I don’t know who that is. ~*~*THE COSTAS~*~*~* says he is a soccer legend. Okay.
Now the President and officials of the IOC are speaking which means they’re going to put out the torch soon and I’m gonna cry. Olympics, I love you. Even when I am fatigued and too tired to blog or tweet about it and watching sports that I get bored of and even when I am thinking Mens Race Walk is the best and worst thing I’ve ever seen. Even when I am angry that Ryan Lochte hyped himself up too much but still proud of him either way. Even when I am emotional over Swimming and Gymnastics and everything else. Even when I am thinking Usain Bolt is a tool, or being so happy that Tom Daley was so excited for his Bronze medal. This paragraph is going nowhere, but I love you, Olympics, and I will wait patiently two years for Sochi, and four more years for Rio.
The petals from the Olympic Torch are all separating and slowly extinguishing and this is making me sad. I’m gonna have major withdrawal for a while, you guys. I’m just going to keep watching all the stuff I didn’t see on TV online for the next few weeks.
Now Take That is performing. I really don’t know anything about Take That other than Robbie Williams used to be part of them and I love Robbie Williams a lot and am sad he is not here. But whatever, this song is pretty. One of the Take That guys is either hopped up on something or he’s just REALLY excited to be there because he keeps RUNNING AROUND THE STAGE like a nutcase while everyone else is calmly singing their song.
Okay, the torch is officially extinguishing. This is beautiful and sad. THE END. THE GAMES ARE OVER. GOODBYE LONDON OLYMPICS. I LOVE YOU FOREVER.
Now I tap my feet for the next 1,462 days, waiting for the next summer games. AT LEAST THERE’S AN ELECTION HAPPENING SOON. That’ll keep me occupied for a few months. POLIVIL 2012, GUYS.
As previously mentioned, I missed yesterday because I was busy traveling the east coast to see the most
Everything about every team that I am a fan of says that I should not be a fan of Real Madrid, but as a huge fan of the Spanish MNT for as long as I can remember being interested in soccer (the 2002 world cup), I can’t help it. And I know that means I should probably root for Barca more, but whatever. Leave me to my Real Madrid. Mostly leave me to my Arsenal, though.
HOW’S ABOUT THAT DIVING FINAL, EH?
Defending gold medalist and all around ball of wonderful-ness, Matthew Mitcham, did not make it through to the finals. It was sad.
He seemed understandably bummed and says he needs to reevaluate some things, possibly even switching to a different event.
David Boudia won gold and was very, very shocked.
Adorable l’il Qui Bo of China, won silver and basically looked like he felt like a giant failure in the process. Being sent to national diving school as a child will do that to you. I’m proud of you, Qui Bo.
And Great Britain’s shining jewel, Thomas Francis Daley (not his real name), won bronze and looked flat out THRILLED about it. Missy Franklin level thrilled.
As someone who has lost a parent at a young age but minus the whole Olympic athlete in your home country with the weight of said country on your shoulders, I’m super proud of him. And he’s already talking about winning gold in Rio, aww shucks. (Qui Bo probably disagrees).
And it brought me one of my favorite moments of the whole games, when his fellow GB teammates threw him in the pool.
Speaking of happiest moments of the games, Brigetta Barrett won silver for US in the women’s high jump. If high jump received more than 15 seconds of air time, Brigetta Barrett would be America’s sweetheart with Gabby Douglas and Missy Franklin. She sings to herself between jumps! She’s effervescent!
Basically women’s high jump as a whole was full of some of the sassiest, most amazing women I’ve ever seen. Gold went to Anna Chicherova and bronze went to Svetlana Shkolina, both of Russia.
This was an incredible disappointment to Chaunte Lowe and her Daphne-esque footwear.
USA women blew away the rest of the field in the 4x400m relay. There’s so much teamwork and happiness amongst these women, and UGH OLYMPICS I ALREADY MISS YOU.
According to NBC, the Olympics committee switched the order of the 4x400m and 4x100m men’s relays because of Usain Bolt’s popularity. Thus, 4×100 was yesterday instead of two days ago. Usain Bolt continued to pile on to his legend status by helping Jamaica set a new world record.
US won silver, and I am still thoroughly confused by the tightness of their uniforms. I’m not convinced they don’t have to be sewn in like Olivia Newton-John in Grease.
Brazil won gold in women’s volleyball and captured the moment on an iPhone. (USA won silver)
France won gold in men’s handball and they all did the Usain Bolt.
In a really close match-up, USA men won basketball gold versus Spain. The game gave us this ridiculous picture.
And this one.
There are some rhythmic gymnastics and wrestling events on my TV, and a lot of events that I didn’t cover, but I’m going to go ahead and declare this Olympics closed.
The USA won the medal count (and the amount of golds!) with China in a VERY DISAPPOINTING 2ND. Great Britain came in a distant third, but it was a good showing for the host nation. Until next time (or.. tonight during the closing ceremony) Here’s to Rio!
Olyvil has fallen apart a little bit these last few days. In 2008, I worked one job with normal hours. In 2012, I work 12 jobs and Celisse works ridiculous hours. So forgive us for our falling apart. I don’t want to know what 2016 blogging will look like.
We’ve missed a few days, so first to recap some things:
Misty May and Kerri Walsh won their third (and final as a team!) gold medal.
The US Women’s soccer team came out victorious against Japan in the gold medal match.
And someone made this cappuccino for Hope Solo.
Manteo Mitchell, who three days ago was having the time of his life:
BROKE HIS LEG WHILE RUNNING IN THE US MEN’S 4X400 RELAY HEAT.
AND FINISHED THE RACE.
Similarly, hometown heroes (Sugar Land, Texas, what what!) the Lopez family failed to medal. Diana lost her first match and the bronze medal match in women’s 57-kg tae kwon do. She later revealed she had a deep root meniscus tear.
Steven Lopez lost his only match with a bad ankle injury and broken right leg.
Three of the most adorable, lovely people alive Allyson Felix, Shelly-Ann Fraser Pryce and Carmelita Jeter won gold, silver and bronze respectively in the women’s 200m event.
Usain Bolt became the first man to defend his gold in both the 100m and 200m races.
Nicola Adams, Great Britain, became the first woman ever in Olympics history to win a boxing gold medal, in the flyweight 51-kg.
The Duchess was very pleased.
Robert Harting of Germany won the gold in discus, ripped his shirt off and then RAN HURDLES.
Felix Sanchez, Dominican Republic, won gold in the men’s 400m Hurdles (the oldest to ever do so!) and dedicated the win to his grandmother who died during the 2008 Olympics.
I don’t remember if I ever posted about Kirani James, but he’s kind of the best so we’ll post about him again. He won the first medal in Grenada’s history, a gold naturally, in the men’s 400m.
USA men’s basketball beat Argentina today. They’ll face Spain for the gold medal on Sunday.
Here’s some divers that will make it to the semifinals tomorrow.
Meseret Defar and Tirunesh Dibaba of Ethiopia won gold and bronze in the women’s 5000m final.
US women set a new world record in the 4×100 relay. Carmelita Jeter has never looked more fierce.
Turkey’s Asli Cakir Alptekin and Gamze Bulut won gold and silver in the women’s 1500m, while the US’ Morgan Uceny fell down and failed to finish. Since they, you know, just run around in a circle for awhile, it made for this awkward photo.
Men’s pole vaulting was REALLY exciting, even though we only saw a combined 3 minutes of it, max.
The US were upset in the 4x400m relay coming in second in a race they haven’t lost in about 382432 years. NBC reminds us that there is no joy in the silver medal, but Oscar Pistorius crossing the finish line last is PHENOMENAL, which is really confusing on so many levels. We can be happy for Pistorius just making it in, but (verbatim) “there is no joy” in the US silver.
Obviously, Pistorius has really achieved something here, and he should definitely be proud. But I’m really tired of the “silver is nothing” attitude that the US announcers seem to have a lot of the time. I get it, it’s disappointing and we usually win this race. However, with the plethora of injuries leading into the event, it’s not surprising. Just let it be.
I’ll be gone all day tomorrow, so good luck athletes. Remember, just competing is exciting! Unless you’re American. Or Chinese. And when all else fails, just remember, David Beckham is there, just hanging out with his kids and some security dogs.
If there’s one thing that the Olympics are good at, it’s making someone you’ve never heard of and won’t hear about again for another four years if at all your new favorite person. And men’s high bar gold medal winner from the Netherlands, Epke Zonderland, has made all of my dreams come true.
While his routine was insanely difficult, I’m not sure that he didn’t get the gold medal based on hair alone. Much like Sam Mikulak’s gold medal in sportsmanship and attitude.
If you ever find yourself in Holland and pass by Epke, congratulate him on his medal, but most importantly, congratulate him on those locks.
Earning an honorable Canadian mention, Derek Drouin, bronze medalist in men’s high jump.
So close, yet so far.
May I present to you, Chilean Gymnast, Enrique Tomas Gonzalez Sepulveda.
He has an awkward mustache. He does a pretty good little Floor Exercise. Slap some nerd glasses and a bowtie on this kid and he could easily be one of Lena Dunham’s creepy conquests on HBO’s Girls. Case in point:
So many Olympians with Olympic Rings tattoos. Since I will never qualify for even the laziest of Olympic Sports (unless watching TV becomes an Olympic Sport. Or unless 90′s trivia becomes an Olympic Sport I would totally DOMINATE that), here are my ideas for earning my own Olympic rings tattoo:
And just for fun, here are some of my favorite Olympic Rings tattoos the athletes have been sporting this year:
I wonder which Olympic rookies will be getting their rings tattoos after the games end next week!