In celebration of this extremely 80s album, here’s a picture of Albert in a sombrero.

“Two Kinds of Happiness” is definitely part Tom Petty’s “Don’t Come Around Here No More,” isn’t it?

The Strokes are my favorite band ever. They will be my Beatles or Dylan or Jay-Z, and I accept any and all criticism or judgement that comes from that. When the band reconvened last summer for Rockness and Isle of Wight, I all but bought plane tickets. And when they announced they were playing ACL Fest, I did buy a plane ticket. I centered it around a visit home for family, but that visit involved me driving eight hours in two days on top of all of it. I don’t remember the first time I heard a Strokes song, I don’t remember how much they changed the musical landscape as everyone wants to keep writing about in the 10 years since Is This It? was released, and I don’t remember exactly why they became my favorite band. But here we are.

Nick Hornby is my favorite author. If I were in some sort of desert island scenario, I would take Dorian Gray and my Nick Hornby collection. And yet, I didn’t read his book for teenagers, I still haven’t seen An Education, and worst of all, released in September 2009, I hadn’t even opened Juliet, Naked until tonight. I’m only 45 pages in, and it’s basically as if Nick Hornby trudged up the five flights of stairs into my bedroom, jumped up the ladder to my loft bed and smacked me across the face. It’s my life, already, 45 pages in. Maybe I’ll get to the end and change my mind, but I’m already reminded at how we obsessives are the only ones who can describe we obsessives.

From Fever Pitch:

There is no analysis, or self-awareness, or mental rigour going on at all, because obsessives are denied any kind of perspective on their own passion. This, in a sense, is what defines and obsessive (and serves to explain why so few of them recognise themselves as such. A fellow fan who last season went to watch Wimbledon reserves against Luton reserves on a freezing January afternoon on his own — not in a spirit of one-upmanship or some kind of self-mocking, laddish wackiness, but because he was genuinely interested — recently strenuously denied to me that he was eccentric in any way).

I mention this all because Nick Hornby always gets it right. Because the opening 45 pages, are at this moment, parallel to The Strokes comeback. A lot has changed in the past ten years. It’s possible that somewhere deep down, my love of the band is tied in with my nostalgia for 2001. It was the first full year I lived after my dad passed away, it was a year where I spent a lot of time driving in my car blasting whatever I could – mainly my cassette tape of Elvis Costello’s My Aim is True, followed by The Get Up Kids’ Something to Write Home About and ..maybe.. Dashboard Confessional’s The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most. It might be that I was really working towards making my dreams of working in the music industry come true, and that I thought Ryan Gentles was a role model. It helps that Is This It? as a record is perfect. It was perfect then, and it’s perfect now (minus “When It Started,” but that is, legitimately, the fault of terrorists). Before last October, the one and only time I saw them was in January 2002, their first show in Houston. I was supposed to go with my friend Nairuti, but she ended up being really sick, so I went alone. I stayed after the show by the backstage door until they all came out, signed autographs, took pictures, and were hilarious. I have many, many memories from this, and it’s kind of funny to think of my encounters with them then versus any professional one I have had anytime recently. And that was it. Despite having AIM away messages based on Room on Fire quotes, the Julian Casablancas cover of SPIN Magazine taped to my dresser in college, a folder full of Strokes photos saved to my hard drive, or one of the three albums that I listened to daily at one of my college internships being First Impressions of Earth, I don’t that I would have realized how much they were ~my favorite band ever~ until the hiatus.

Then the new songs started rolling out. First thirty second previews, then full songs, interviews in which I appreciate the honesty while wishing they would JUST. STOP. TALKING, show announcements, and at this point almost the entire album has leaked. I’ve heard 30 second clips of all of the album, and 5 full tracks from it. And that’s where I draw the line. I have yet to hear a song that will be on Angles, that hasn’t instantly made me think, “This sounds like …” It’s uneven, a big jumble of different sounds, and I don’t want to hear anymore until I can hear it as a full album and see if it makes the slightest bit of sense.

From the excruciatingly candid interviews, I don’t even think The Strokes themselves are pleased with Angles, and I almost wish that this were released as some sort of B-Side/Rarities album in anticipation of another release instead of the big comeback. It’s as if they went into a studio (sans Julian), worked out their issues, scratched and clawed out an album and know that they have something better as a result. I’m worried that this album will get panned or the hatred will come back and they won’t end up with the gem that I’m predicting a fifth album will be.

But beyond all of my nonsensical rambling, I am more giddy than I ever would have thought possible that they are back. I’m happy that my favorite band is back, and that my favorite author is still writing about things that mean everything to me. I am presently incapable of hearing “Under Cover of Darkness” and not passing out. I went to see them on SNL last weekend, and despite Julian’s vocal issues, I almost had a nervous breakdown. And I have my ticket to the Madison Square Garden show. I’m going alone, because I didn’t want to mess with not getting the best seat possible while trying to find more than one ticket, and I know I’ll probably end up spending the entire thing texting about how happy I am. because you can’t stare directly at the sun for too long.

Anyway, on Thursday Aaron sat down with the Morning Swim Show and explained the reasons for his retirement. It’s a long interview, but it’s worth a listen, especially for the awesome and hilarious slideshow towards the end:

I’ve always paid moderate attention to the Olympics, but it wasn’t until Sydney and then especially Athens that I took a real investment in watching and having favorite athletes and events, and then it just exploded during Beijing. Aaron Peirsol was a big reason for my later obsession with the Olympics, and more specifically competitive swimming as a whole. It’s good to understand that he wanted to leave the sport at the peak of his career and it sounds like he’s got plans to pay more attention to his life outside of the pool, which is respectable. I also liked that he wanted his last meet to be at his home pool in Austin. As Kim and FNL would say (I think), Texas Forever?

Aaron, OlyVil loves you and will always remember you as the King of the Backstroke. We will miss your hilariously receding hairline, your miniscule nipples, and your much-welcomed insistence on only ever swimming in jammers. We will not miss every announcer ever referencing your “California cool.” Good luck in your future endeavors and I will be watching for you in the stands at Nationals and London next year!

Hello Boobslap, 2004.

That got derailed rather quickly didn’t it?

It’s been cold for a long time up north (although down here in Miami it has been in the balmy 80′s for most of the month) so it’s time to warm you up with this LL Cool J classic.

In my youth I always wanted to have a pool party like this, although I would skip the weird chocolate sauce on my leg, because that seems like it would be a bitch to clean up. In my older youth, I grew out of the sexy pool party phase and instead wanted to have a giant kegger, but that is neither here nor there.

While listening to this song in the last stretch of Winter, it is mandatory that you turn up the heat in your home, wear a shirt with a flower print on it (take some fashion tips from Pacey Witter if you must), sip on a frozen colada, and imagine the fly hunnies dancing around your patio which happens to be the set of MTV’s The Grind.

What are your favorite Summa Jamz of the 90′s?

Tiny animals! Making friends with other tiny animals! D’AWWW.

Thanks to Jay from GTI for the tip.

I am a fan of realistic television. Not reality television (although I love Top Chef, and have watched a few episodes here and there of Kitchen Nightmares, Tabatha’s Salon Takeover.. and yeah, a few minutes of Jersey Shore), but the shaky cam, make you sob like a baby kind. Friday Night Lights does this better than almost anybody. And Wednesday, on Direct TV, it takes it’s final bow.

Fall 2006. I’m living in Queens, recently unemployed, and television is taking me away. Heroes premiered around then, but the show I was most excited about, being from Texas, was the one about high school football with the constant commercials set to Fort Minor’s “Remember the Name.”

Yes, I remember all of this. I was pumped. I watched the premiere and could not have been more hooked.

The show had his flaws, they retconned the characters to make several of them younger, they’ve gotten rid of some characters without much fanfare and introduced a few that they haven’t followed up on, they have had some ridiculous plot lines, and let’s not even get started on the murder in Season 2. But at its core, Friday Night Lights was simply one of the best shows that will ever be on television.

It’s a shame that it never caught on, ABC Family started to rerun it from the beginning and pulled it because the ratings were horrific (and when ratings are below expectations for a syndication show airing at 6pm.. I don’t even know what to say), and I can’t even begin to explain how it could have been marketed better or what should have been done to find an audience.

But this show has presented me with some of the greatest television memories I will ever have. Think of Saracen at the funeral. Riggins and Street in New York City. Smash’s smiling face in his last episode. Landry’s field goal. Texas forever. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. Vince asking Coach not to go. Matt chasing Julie’s car in Chicago. The Riggins Bros, Street and Herc flipping the house. I’ve already mentioned the Fort Minor commercial, but think of the promos with My Chemical Romance’s “Welcome to the Black Parade” or Tony Lucca’s “Devil Town.” Tell me that you can ever hear “Devil Town” and not think of FNL. And beyond the promos, the use of Explosions in the Sky, Spoon, Iron & Wine, White Rabbits, Sufjan Stevens and Avett Brothers. SERIOUSLY. I just looked her name up, but I’ll be damned if Liza Richardson is not the best music supervisor in the business.

And the theme song? Gives me chills. I have rarely fast-forwarded through the credits on this show.

The show could not have gotten more things right. Small town Texas, school problems, relationship issues, first loves, racism, asshole men and women, steroids, recruiting issues, the desire to just GET OUT of where you grew up, the need to prove yourself, respect, trust, loyalty and Kyle Chandler’s almond eyes.

I have not, since the days of Sports Night, been more attached to a set of characters. And at this point in time, I think that Mr and Mrs Taylor, Tim Riggins, and Matt Saracen are some of the best TV characters that have ever been written. The thought that after Wednesday, Coach Taylor and his merry band of Dillon Panthers/East Dillon Lions are off of my TV screen forever, is almost sadder than every episode ever combined.

I hope that five years from now, everyone I know has seen it. That it becomes one of those shows that everyone watches after the fact. An Arrested Development or The Wire. Because one of the hardest things about it is not ever having anybody to discuss it with. It’s like having this shiny secret jewel that you want to split into pieces with everyone in the world and nobody even noticing it’s there. Horrible analogy aside, I’m glad that Direct TV stepped in and saved the day, that they are getting to end the show they want, complete with a goodbye parade of old favorites. Mostly, I’m glad that I got five seasons of bliss.

Texas forever.

In 2006, when he announced his retirement from the sport, we were devastated. We wondered who on the Aussie team would take the place of our favorite Australian swimmer. Granted, this was before we were introduced to the wonder of Eamon Sullivan’s Torso:

Oh, you glorious, glorious torso.

2006 quickly turned into 2008, and the Beijing Olympics were upon us. There were so many new faces to root for (including the aforementioned Torso) and we apprehensively accepted that the Thopedo packed his knives and went. The games were incredible despite his absence, and life went on.

Today, however, after four years out of the pool, Ian Thorpe announced his return to the sport and his plans to compete in the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London. At his press event earlier today, he told the media:

“Just because I’ve had extraordinary results in the past doesn’t mean I’m about to have them again,” he said. Mr. Thorpe said his biggest competition would be himself, but said that having worked hard in training, his confidence for achieving success was growing.

Oh, Ian Thorpe, you modest devil. Gold, silver, or bronze, we will love you any way. We’re excited for your return, and this inspires new motivation for Kim and myself to be the Official Condom Distributors of the Olympic Games.

This is the move I made when Kim told me the good news. Yeah.

UPDATE: Less than an hour after I published this, I found out that Aaron Peirsol, American Backstroke King and perpetual wearer of Jammers, announced his retirement today. OlyVil’s love for the Thorpedo, I must admit, is entirely eclipsed by our obsession of the awesome, AWESOME, Aaron Peirsol.

Now all of my excitement has trickled away. Is there any other swimming news that’s going to destroy me today?

So, we’re on episode 3 of MTV Skins and I still am not liking it. Since I’m a glutton for punishment, though, I am continuing to liveblog this hot mess, simultaneously hoping against hope that it eventually stops sucking so bad.

Tonight’s episode focuses on 12 year old Chris, who is surprisingly not actually played by a 12 year old actor, but by 17 year old Jesse Carere. Go figure! I have to say, E4′s Chris Miles, played by Joe Dempsie, was absolutely my favorite character in all four seasons of UK Skins (followed closely by Naomi Campbell, but whatever). His story was so tragic in both seasons and I felt more attachment to him than any other character. I wanted to be his BFF and help him get his life on track, poor booboo. So I am going into this episode tonight with a definite bias, and I am sincerely hoping that Jesse Carere does Chris some justice tonight.

Recap and Spoilers after the jump!

Alalalalalal

The episode is starting and Chris has a raging boner. Also he’s watching some sexy lady fitness infomercial. Let me tell you, ain’t no fitness device pornier than the AB-CIRCLE. omg. OMG other than the Shake Weight, of course!

So far this episode is a complete replica of the original, which is irritating. I figured since they wrote an entirely new episode to introduce Tea, the rest of the series would be original as well. Too bad.

Stanley, Daisy, and Tony, and MTV Anwar (wtf is his name?!) are all at Chris’s place, talking about what they should do with the money Chris’s mom left him when she inexplicably went on vacation. If it weren’t for Stanley’s long hair, I wouldn’t be able to tell him apart from Chris. They’re playing The Drums in the background and I am loving it!

Now there’s a giant, debaucherous underage house party, and I am once again having flashbacks to my youth as a teenage whore.

Just kidding.

MTV Anwar is trying to get Tea to dance with him and I am annoyed because Tea is supposed to be Maxxie, damn it!

We’re followed up with a drunk girl puking on Stan, and when they read the lines that Bryan Elsley wrote for the UK cast, I feel like these kids are just puppets. SIGH. OH GOD, now they’re playing “Canadian Girl” by the Walkmen, and I love that song so, so, so much. I have to say, as much as I like Dubstep, I like the music in MTV Skins better than UK Skins.

Chris is coming on to TINA or GINA or whatever the teacher’s name is who is playing MTV Angie. And they’re dancing to “Canadian Girl” and it’s sweet, until his perpetual Viagra boner gets up on her and she runs off.

Commercial break!

Dudes, tell me. What is this My Name Is Liz TV show I keep seeing promos about? It looks… terrible. Like I don’t get enough of Brooklyn hipsters in my life without having to see TV shows about them?

Blughhhhh. Photo Credit: Zap 2 It

Commercial break is over and now Tony and Michelle are in Chris’s room, and he is admiring fish when he should be admiring his girlfriend’s misshapen boobs. I’m still not convinced about MTV Tony. Or MTV Anyofthiscast.

Stan walks in and Michelle asks him about her breasts and I’m wondering how Stan even sees them with all that hair in his eyes? #signsthatIammaybetoooldtobewatchingthisshow.

How do you see breasts through that hair? Photo credit: smallscreenscoop.com/

It’s the next morning and Daisy and Chris are talking in his kitchen. Daisy is wearing some shirt that shows literally her entire bra and gurl’s got huge knockers. Dang. She’s asking Chris where his mom is and he says he doesn’t know. But I know, and so does everyone else who watched UK Skins, because this episode is a replica. UGHHHHH. This is so much less exciting when you know exactly what is going to happen.

Stanley and Creepy Cadie are on Chris’s couch, and Stanley is waxing poetic about Michelle’s breasts, as usual. Then Creepy Cadie reminds Stanley that they’re pretending to be sleeping together, and I don’t even remember where this weird side-storyline came from. It had something to do with Tea’s breasts, and everyone in this show clearly has an obsession with breasts.

Chris is upstairs looking for money to pay the pizza guy, and this is the SUPER PATHETIC part where he realizes his mothers’ wardrobe is emptied and homegurl is GONE. This is the moment that made me feel for UK Chris, because I have to feel sorry for someone who was totally abandoned by his family. Anyway, wah. Yeah.

On the plus side, Chris’s Viagra boner finally went down!

I miss you, Joe Dempsie! :C

MTV Anwar and the gang are watching more fitness videos, and they totally agree that fitness videos look way more porny than they should. MTV Anwar is wearing some ridiculous sweater vest I don’t understand. Stan is talking about sex positions, as if he’s not a big fat Virg, and I still don’t get the point of this storyline.

Daisy, WHAT THE HELL, put your hooters away. Jesus! Jal NEVER dressed like that in Series 1.

The old lady in me wants to give Daisy a snuggie. Photo Credit: eskimo-jo.tumblr.com/

Chris is at the pawn shop trying to sell his crap, so he can pay the pizza guy, hilariously. There’s a toaster strudel in the DVD player. Cos that’s what happens when you have parties when your parents have abandoned you, apparently. This show could be renamed to LIFE LESSONS: THINGS NOT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENTS ABANDON YOU.

Now he and Stan are at the junk yard, and the Junk Yard Guy is terrifying. Chris trades his toaster studel DVD player for some pills, cos that’s at all responsible. WHAT ABOUT THE PIZZA GUY, CHRISTOPHER?

I’m just going to start typing in caps for the rest of this liveblog because it is so ridiculous.

Chris gets ridiculously destroyed on those pills and wakes up the next morning, his home demolished from the party. And some creeper who looks like one of the crazy baristas at the Starbucks across from my job is asleep in his tub. And they have a fight and honestly I’m not even watching this as much as I am recapping this from memory. Chris gets locked out of his house by crazy Barista man, and I’m pretty sure he’s naked, but MTV is trying not to show it because they’re getting accused of pedaling child porn and all. Oh, MTV.

Oh, there’s Chris’s bare ass. CHILD PORN!

This recap is so long. Can I just tell you what happens?

Chris is going to go to Daisy’s, and she will take him to see his Father and Stepmother to see if they will be able to help him considering he has no mother, no money, and no home. His Father will basically ignore him, and Chris will run out of the house and go to the graveyard where his older brother is buried. He will share a tender moment with Daisy as he tells her how his brother died. Celisse will roll her eyes because these are not Chris Miles and Jalander Whateverherlastnamewas, but MTV puppets whose breasts are always on display.

After their tender moment, Chris will get housing on-campus at school, as arranged by his teen dream, Tina or Gina or whatever MTV Angie’s name is. I have to learn these peoples’ names. Instead of being thankful and cleaning up his rampant drug and alcohol abuse, he will take some Viagra and admire his wanger. END OF EPISODE.

See, I recapped that whole thing in the span of one commercial break. This is way better than actually watching the episode.

Oh, I was WRONG. Apparently Tina or Gina or whatever is letting Chris stay with her in her home. Also Cadie asked out Stanley on a date. So now we’re up to speed with what will happen at the start of the next episode.

So, Olyvil rating: C-. The episodes aren’t getting better, but they’re not really getting worse. The acting still isn’t great, but I like the music. I really was rooting for this episode, because I love Chris so, so, so much, but my expectations were too high. Alas!

NEXT WEEK: Creepy Cadie maybe possibly not really goes on a date with Stanley? And we figure out what exactly makes her so creepy! Will I tune in? I don’t know yet.

Basically all they I got out of the red carpet is that Helena Bonham Carter and Marky Mark Wahlberg are lovely, and it’s Christian Bale’s birthday. He’s totally going to win (pre-emptive spoiler alert!).

Here’s a picture of Bryan Cranston, because that’s all I’ve found so far:

8:00pm – Claire Danes is still getting nominated for Temple Grandin? At one point I won’t have to hear about this again, right? Does that make me awful?

8:02pm – AW JACK MCBRAYER IS OPENING THE SAGS! Did he open them by saying “Shut up!” to Chris Parnell? Because really, that makes everything 391249324 times better. And Jon Hamm is right behind him. I forgot how much I liked these intros, even though there are weird technical difficulties with Juliana Marguiles. It’s Rico! He’s adorable! Melissa Leo is basically yelling at this point. Julia Stiles seems really nervous. I don’t understand why. I’m sure she had time to practice.

8:06pm – Betty White and Alec Baldwin open the show.

Outstanding Actor in a Drama Series:
Steve Buscemi – Bought me a pack of M&Ms once. True story.
Bryan Cranston – I already posted his picture.
Michael C. Hall – He’s beardy.
Jon Hamm – I would be remiss if I didn’t type “Hammster!”
Hugh Laurie – I liked House. Four years ago.

Who should win: Jon Hamm, he doesn’t win anything ever. This category is TOO STRONG.
Who will win: Steve Buscemi. New blood. Plus, the M&Ms?
Who won: Steve Buscemi. I start my night 1 for 1! His speech is really long. But he’s so cordial, you can’t be mad.

8:09pm – Mark Ruffalo and Annette Bening come out and Ruffalo is whistling. His hair is too flat, and I can’t think of Mark Ruffalo without the fact that he had a brain tumor. Or him jumping around in his underwear in Eternal Sunshine.

8:11pm – Eva Longoria and Cory Monteith. Eva Longoria is talking about Sir Laurence Olivier, like she knows anything about him, but she looks fabulous, as she always does, even if she never takes a risk, and Cory Monteith is arching his eyebrows like no one else can.

Best Female in a Drama Series:
Glenn Close – I started watching Damages a few weeks ago and flew through the first season. It is amazing.
Mariska Hargitay – I cannot belittle her work as an actress, but I really can. She’s just not that great. And SVU scripts are laughable. Her husband is a super babe, though.
Julianna Marguiles – I will take this as a nomination for Josh Charles.
Elisabeth Moss – She’s one of the few okay Scientologists in my book.
Kyra Sedgwick – She rides the subway.

Who should win: There are a LOT of strong women on TV now. I love it. But I watch all but the Closer out of these shows, and I’d say that Close, Moss and Marguiles should all get it. Elisabeth Moss really shone this year on Mad Men, and I think she deserves it most.
Who will win: Julianna Marguiles, though I can’t say I disagree.
Who won: Julianna Marguiles. TWO FOR TWO, SUCKAS. I really like the colors that her and Mariska are wearing. She thanked New York! I win! She’s thanking all of the crew, which is amazing because they try to act like this is all about the actors and they’re all that matters, so way to be, Marguiles! Way to be! Hilary Swank thought what Julianna said about her husband was “so sweet.”

PRETTY COLORS

8:19pm – Sofia Vergara and Taye Diggs. I’m calling it, hottest presenting duo of ALL TIME. They are diving right into the award for Best Ensemble in a Drama. It’s weird that they do drama first, comedy second, isn’t it?

Boardwalk Empire – I’ve never seen an episode of this show. Steve Buscemi is clapping a lot.
The Closer – I’ve also never seen this show.
Dexter – The cast of this show really is strong. Masuka!
The Good Wife – Josh Charles gets every award that I have. Unfortunately, I have none.
Mad Men – Just give the award to Pete Campbell. WHAT DID JANUARY JONES DO TO HER HAIR?

Tell me this picture alone doesn't show you how much these people deserve an award. You can't.

Who should win: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. HOLY SHIT, GUYS. FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. THAT’S ALL. WHY DO PEOPLE HATE NOMINATING THE THINGS THAT ARE GOOD IN LIFE?!
Who will win: Boardwalk Empire?
Who won: Boardwalk Empire. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these awards shows are not a science. I just do not like Paz de la Huerta. Her talking ruined the whole thing.

8:24pm – The president of SAG is out, it’s Ken Howard. Ken Howard of Crossing Jordan fame. If you’re me, and you are an insomniac, and you loved Crossing Jordan reruns on A&E at like 3:00am, that’s how you know Ken Howard.

8:26pm – Dennis Haysbert is out talking about commercials. That’s All State’s stand. I mean.. There’s a commercial montage. I have nothing more to say on this.

8:29pm – Jason Bateman!! Did Jason Bateman kill January Jones’ dog? Cause holy shit, she’s staring daggers.

Outstanding Actor in a Female Supporting Role
Amy Adams – I really liked The Fighter, and she owned it. That dress is not doing her boobs any favors.
Helena Bonham Carter – She is so wonderful. And she went to clap for herself and then admonished herself for it.
Mila Kunis – And the award for playing Mila Kunis goes to..
Melissa Leo – Yell, yell, yell!
Hailee Steinfeld – She’s super precious. I need to see True Grit.

Who should win: Helena Bonham Carter, because The King’s Speech is the most pleasant movie to ever be pleasant.
Who will win: Melissa Leo. People like it when people yell and wear bad wigs.
Who won: Melissa Leo. Who manages to look shocked, even though she’s won everything, and totally ignored Christian Bale’s presence ON HIS BIRTHDAY! There is no reason that I should like her dress, but I do. Wait, is she really having trouble maintaining composure and making a speech? Because this is the third TELEVISED event in which she has gone on stage and won an award. Is Conan’s sister there?

8:39pm – Amy Poehler just might be my favorite lady of all time. And I’m not sure Hailee Steinfeld knows who she is. For shame! Amy Poehler might have shoulder pads on.

Outstanding Male Actor in a Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin – He reminds me of my dad for some reason.
Ty Burrell – They could’ve definitely chosen a better clip, but awww, little Luke Dunphy back there!
Steve Carell – Do we still watch the office when he leaves?
Chris Colfer – He looks like he’s sloshed, weirdly.
Ed O’Neill – Modern Family, you are so good.

Who should win: Ty Burrell, for being the funniest thing on a hilarious sitcom.
Who will win: Chris Colfer, whom I adore (!), but I think that his character is generally more serious than it is funny, and that defeats the category name.
Who won: (Side bar, Amy Poehler’s “the winner based on this category according to some people as of tonight,” is the best thing you can ever say at an awards show) Alec Baldwin! Whoa, I missed one. He could not look more shocked, which I believe, because it didn’t seem like this year. He just compared Melissa Leo’s character in The Fighter to Amy Poehler, and I don’t think anyone in the crowd got it.

8:42pm – Jon Hamm’s john ham just referred to himself as a woman. I wish that I could have a dance party with Jon Hamm, I really do.

Outstanding female actor in a comedy series
Edie Falco – I don’t understand how this is a comedy.
Tina Fey – I love that she keeps getting nominated for these things, since she doesn’t think of herself as an actress.
Jane Lynch – She wins at life.
Sofia Vergara – She also wins at life.
Betty White – Is this a “yay Betty White!” nomination? Or is it genuine?

Who should win: Amy Poehler? No.. Sofia Vergara is really, really growing on me.
Who will win: Jane Lynch, cause she owns that role like no one has ever owned a role before.
Who won: Betty White, yeah, I should’ve seen that coming. This is.. something. I like that everyone is now turning “teamsters” into a rolling joke. Everyone in the crowd seems kind of shocked and excited, and the camera work is pretty miserable since it’s taking a long time for her to get to the stage (because of her seating, this is not an old people joke). They’ve now gone through what I’m assuming is the Hot In Cleveland theme song twice. It is not good.

8:47pm – Helena Bonham Carter, Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth are out there being pleasant and discussing The King’s Speech. While typing all of this, I burnt my dinner. It is sad.

8:49pm – Angie Harmon and LL Cool J. I am confused as to why Angie Harmon thinks she can pull of that dress. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to wear it.. but no.

Outstanding Ensemble in a Comedy Series
30 Rock – I pull for Jack McBrayer always. Really poor clip choice.
Glee – Strange clip choice as well.
Hot in Cleveland – I don’t even know what to say. Was Joe Jonas nominated?
Modern Family – Oh, man, that clip has made me laugh outloud a million times now.
The Office – I don’t think I’ve seen this episode, weird.

Who should win: Modern Family!
Who will win: Glee? I’m guessing Glee. Though Betty White just won and down is up and the sky is orange!
Who won: MODERN FAMILY, YAYYYYY. I watch Glee, and it still puts a smile on my face when they lose to Modern Family. Ed O’Neill is accepting. He’s very soft spoken, and quick, and approve! Aww, shot of Sally Draper!

8:58pm – Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman are out, and I’m tired of Natalie Portman’s drape-y, “I’m pregnant!” dresses. I’m fastforwarding.

9:00pm – How much does a Tim Conway? Ernest Borgnine is getting a lifetime achievement award, but all I think about when I think of him is when he talked about masturbation.

I do not know very much about Ernest Borgnine, I’ll be honest. It makes me wonder which celebrities will be getting lifetime achievement awards in 30 years. George Clooney? Justin Bieber? Forest Whitaker? There is something about this montage that I cannot take seriously. “Ernie was wondering what he was going to do next!” Morgan Freeman is out to talk about Ernie some more, no masturbation references have been made yet. I need to wash my dinner plate.

9:11pm – Ernest Borgnine gets to start speaking now, and we get our first WWII reference of the evening. I want to give him a hug. Wait, wait, wait, is his wife the QVC lady? DUDE, SHE IS! Angel from Dexter is really excited about Ernest, love it.

9:18pm – Jeremy Renner and Robin Wright. Jeremy Renner basically had nothing to do. Sad.

Oustanding Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries
John Goodman – He used to live in my office building.
Al Pacino – He is shockingly good at Shakespeare.
Dennis Quaid – He’s a big Astros fan, so he wins in my mind.
Edgar Ramirez – I don’t know anything about Carlos
Patrick Stewart – I feel like you should never be allowed to subtitle anything “Great Performances.”

Who should win: I haven’t seen any of these, I don’t care.
Who will win: Al Pacino, although how can you fight “great performances!”
Who won: Al Pacino. Who isn’t there. Let’s move this right along!

9:20pm – Armie Hammer, Justin Timberlake, Andrew Garfield and Jesse Eisenberg YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSKKEWAJRKERWA. I love Andrew Garfield, his head is too small and he looks like a puppy, and he’s so awkward. Jesse Eisenberg is probably exhausted, isn’t he? I want to watch this movie again now. Maybe I should buy it. I really enjoy Armie Hammer, he’s not getting enough of the praise.

9:22pm – Josh Duhamel is yelling and reading lines in a way that you wouldn’t expect an actor to. I am confused. Rosario Dawson did better.

Outstanding Female Actor in a TV Movie/Miniseries
Claire Danes – Of course.
Catherine O’Hara – How is it this has been nominated for a million things, and I didn’t know she was in this? Also, there was a series camera error there. That young woman laughing awkwardly is NOT Catherine O’Hara.
Julia Ormond – She does a nice American accent. Huh.
Winona Ryder – I love that she’s back to acting.
Susan Sarandon – I’d like to see this just for her hairdo.

Who should win: I have no idea. Let’s say Winona.
Who will win: Claire Danes has basically won every award ever for the past 17 years for this movie.
Who won: Rosario Dawson and Josh Duhamel are continuing to yell about Claire Danes. I have nothing to add to this. Danes looks particularly January Jones-ish tonight, minus the horrifying hairdo. Claire Danes is painstakingly listing everyone who is nominated in her category, and .. we’re done. Oh, hey! The producer heard me and started to play her off musically. That seems mean.

9:26pm – Why is Hilary Swank so, SO excited to discuss the “In Memoriam”?

9:35pm – That was a long break. Susan Sarandon looks great, Tracey Morgan looks bored, and why are Justin Timberlake and Amy Poehler at the same table? That’s kind of amazing. Is there some “awesome presenters” table?

Outstanding Male Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale – Happy birthday!
John Hawkes – I have not seen Winter’s Bone. I think I need to.
Jeremy Renner- – He’s the coolest, I think.
Mark Ruffalo – I’m convinced he played himself in this movie.
Geoffrey Rush – He’s my runner up vote, he was great in this film. Everyone was.

Who should/will win: Christan Bale. There’s a moment at the end of The Fighter where they show the real Dicky and Micky talking, and you can see just how much he became this guy. Like, really became him.
Who won: Christian Bale! He has gotten a serious haircut since the Golden Globes. And he went up to Melissa Leo, even though she birthday snubbed him before. Boo! Apparently Justin Timberlake loves Christian Bale. OMG DICKY CAME OUT.

This is strange. I love this. I don’t know what’s going on, but I love it. Christian Bale has apparently acted in so many different accents that he forgot how to speak in a normal voice. Nobody is cutting off Bale, and he’s definitely talked longer than Claire Danes.

Seriously guys, January Jones is frightening me.

9:40pm – Mark Wahlberg and Amy Adams. I don’t know what is going on here either, but the longer this show is going on, the more I wish that I got to hang out on set of The Fighter. The Fighter is definitely one of those movies that I will watch repeatedly on TBS in 7 years.

9:42pm – Jeff Bridges is cutting to the chase.

Leading Actor in a Female Role
Annette Bening – She is a joy.
Nicole Kidman – I think Keith Urban is wearing more make-up than her
Jennifer Lawrence – I don’t know how I feel about that clip
Natalie Portman – JUST SHUT UP JUST STOP JUST AHWERJWLR
Hilary Swank – Has anyone seen Conviction?

Who should win: Sigh. I enjoyed Julianne Moore more than Bening in TKAAR, but eh.
Who will win: Natalie Portman, cause she wins everything, and it’s annoying, and Black Swan is the worst.
Who won: Natalie Portman. I guess this means she’s going to win the Oscar, doesn’t it? This was her best acceptance speech yet.. it didn’t make me want to throw things.

This does not make me want to throw things. This is awesome.

9:51pm – Nicole Kidman. People love her. Me too!

Outstanding Actor in a Leading Role
Jeff Bridges – The dude abides.
Robert Duvall – I don’t know much about this movie, and Robert Duvall looks bored.
Jesse Eisenberg – I’m glad that his clip included Andrew Garfield.
Colin Firth – The man, the myth, the legend.
James Franco – Oh, Jimmy Franks. You make my dreams come true.

Who should/will win: COLIN FIRTH. I wish they had chosen a better clip for him as well.
Who won: CO-FO. Jeff Bridges is giving him a standing ovation, and I love it. I love it. He’s being British, that’s really all I can say about this speech. He’s being funny in a British way, and he’s making jokes about SAG cards. I would go to the Firth, Carter and Rush tour. I really, really would.

9:56pm – If Amanda were here watching this with me, she would have a heart attack, because Colin Firth just left and Donald Sutherland WITH A GIANT ESKIMO BEARD just walked out.

Best Ensemble
The Kids Are All Right
The King’s Speech
Black Swan
The Social Network
The Fighter

Who should win: This is really, really tough for me. I loved the King’s Speech and The Social Network both so much. I guess in terms of ensemble acting and all of that, I’ll say that no one in film clicked more this year than Firth, Rush and Carter in The King’s Speech.
Who will win: But they’ll say the younger, hipper cast of The Social Network.
Who won: Damn! Should’ve gone with my gut. The King’s Speech takes it. I am pleased. Helena Bonham Carter is running, and for a moment I thought she was barefoot. Would anyone be surprised? Geoffrey Rush is making a bunch of jokes, and it’s, say it with me now, pleasant. He’s naming all of the actors in the film. He didn’t mention Guy Pearce, did he?

10:00pm – Donald Sutherland closes this mother out! And here’s a photo of him and Colin Farrell to close this mother out!

I’m going to give this SNL liveblogging a try again. The past few episodes I’ve seen have been decent, and I love Jesse Eisenberg and Nicki Minaj. I’m unsure of how I feel about Jesse Eisenberg hosting SNL, he seems softspoken (and his SNL ads have done nothing to prove otherwise) and nervous. I’m sure he’s confident in his craft, but seriously, standing next to Bill Hader and mumbling does not a funny commercial make. Stretch that into a 90 minute show.. and I’m not sure.

What are we expecting? Egypt commentary? Any guests? Do we think Andrew Garfield is IN THE BUILDING? Is Nicki Minaj’s verse on “Monster” the best rap verse of 2010? Is the monologue going to be a bunch of jokey jokes about rapid fire dialogue?

Cold Open: Michele Bachmann’s second attempt at a response to the State of the Union. This is all sight gags that are going to go on for too long. Ok. Political humor is usually SNL’s strong point, and all they have to show us is Kristen Wiig doing a passable Bachmann impression with not so funny sight gags and Xena clips?

I’m not writing anything until something funny happens.

Here’s an adorable picture of a cat dressed like a lion.

Not funny, but hello picture of Jesse Eisenberg, and…

Monologue: Hello, Jesse Eisenberg. AW, his monologue is about how he’s not as shy and unassuming as his characters (I call BS, though “Look at that freight train of confidence!” is a great line). And now he’s talking about menstruation. And I actually love this monologue. Andy Samberg is out trying to be Mark Zuckerberg, and I liked this more when it was just Jesse Eisenberg talking about menstruation and the Oscars, and sigh, the rumors were true, Mark Zuckerberg is there and he is a horrible, horrible actor. Make it stop. Although, he looks pleasant. Things I never thought I would say, “Mark Zuckerberg looks pleasant.” Ok, this is not stopping. There are three Mark Zuckerbergs onstage, I can’t stop typing, and Jesse Eisenberg’s hands are the size of his face.

Here's Jesse!

Estro-Maxx: I turned my head for a minute, and Bill Hader was in his underwear. Men are turning into women! LOLZ. Kenan is the best part of this commercial. The rest of it is LCD humor. Nah.

Mr Wizards World: I miss Mr Wizard! Jesse Eisenberg is wearing a crazy wig and looks very strange. Abby Elliott is in this sketch. I’m okay with her not being on this show anymore. Nasim is rubbing a balloon on Jesse Eisenberg’s penis. This is awkward. I can’t comment on this beyond.. awkward funny.

Don’t Forget the Lyrics: I became obsessed with this show over my Winter holiday, and Jason Sudeikis is Mark McGrath. Mannerisms down, but his voice is basically.. Jason Sudeikis. Jesse Eisenberg is a contestant named Kenny, who came out screaming, “WHOO! I HAVE SEEN THIS SHOW!” He is being very literal, and this sketch seems like something awesome, that is not going to be on Hulu tomorrow for licensing reasons. In case you were wondering, “I Love Rock N Roll” does not contain the lyric, “So come and kiss a lime, you dance machine.” Mark McGrath is very angry that people aren’t singing Sugar Ray songs, which is kind of his weird passive aggressive reaction every time they have one on this show. “Celebrate Saddam Hussein.” Cold Open aside, I’m enjoying this episode. Maybe it’s not fall down hilarious, but Eisenberg is doing a great job. I’m impressed. And I’m really enjoying the still photography for this episode.

WXPD News: There’s an old reporter discussing a drug bust on campus who keeps hitting Jesse Eisenberg in the face with a microphone. Sudeikis is the news anchor who is trying to get Bill Hader’s reporter on track. This is too much. Kenan’s here now, and he’s really close to breaking. Bill’s breaking, and Sudeikis is yelling “Hold it together!” and I can’t decide whether that’s improv or not. Kenan’s got a great smile, guys.

Digital Short: John Waters introduces “The Creep” and AHH! AKIVA! I love when it’s a full Lonely Island short. Jorms and Akiva should be in them all. Basically, they’re three creepy dudes who are rapping about being a creeper around hot chicks. Kiv has a big part in this one. Love it. And Nicki Minaj! People are screaming bloody murder for Minaj. Weird. She’s a creep, too. That wasn’t the best Digital Short ever, but I accept.

Nicki Minaj – “Right Through Me”: Nicki is wearing the kind of outfit I would wear all of the time if I was famous. I don’t think I would ever stop wearing big, giant, fancy things if I could. I love her. There’s not much energy here, but I’m fine with it.

Weekend Update: I am tired of watching this show. Not even in a dislike way, I’m just not feeling SNL tonight. Though I haven’t been watching too much lately, so maybe 90 minutes of so-so comedy isn’t up my alley anymore. Egypt is covered by a joke about a McRib. Sigh. And a KFC Triple Down joke. Sigh again. Okay, Fred is out playing Mubarak. Let’s see if anything good comes out here. Thirty more years!

Update is weak tonight. “It was noted that for the first time in Super Bowl history neither of the teams competing have cheerleaders. No word yet on how players from either team will remember to ‘Go!’”

Kenan as Tyler Perry is out to throw money around and discuss the Oscar nominations. I’m going to go ahead and use this time to share a picture I took of The Social Network poster in Paris which makes me laugh.

I’m going to go ahead and call this the best moment of the show:

My next movie is guaranteed to get some Oscar notice. It’s about a brilliant student at North Carolina AMT who creates the top African American social networking site. It’s called Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Internet All By Myself. It stars Jesse Eisenberg, a seasoned veteran of white people movies like Adventureland, where a young man is sad because he has a job. It features my alter ego Madea, as his sassy but wise roommate.

I take it back. That could have gone so much further. I would’ve added, “The Social Network, where a young man is sad because he has billions of dollars.” Sometimes what SNL is going to do in my head is so much better than what SNL actually does. Strike that. Most of the time, most of the time.

TCM, The Essentials: Sudeikis is doing an actual impression! Hooray! He’s so good when he tries. He just never tries anymore. Bride of Blackenstein? Jay Pharoah needs to do more. Nicki Minaj is the Bride of Frankenstein! Eisenberg is Igor, Kenan is Frankenstein’s monster, and Igor definitely just said “From a ho that didn’t know her place!” Nicki is doing awesome, but she isn’t even looking at Kenan when she talks to him. Bill Hader just joined the blaxpoitation group. I am amused. If this were real, it would be my favorite movie ever.

MTV: Andy Samberg has been all over this episode. They’re talking about Skins! This blog loves Skins. This blog hates MTV Skins. Andy accidentally knocked over the Moon Man station on his desk and broke character a bit, and I’m ashamed to have really enjoyed that. I know people hate it, because it’s their job to maintain a character, but it’s hard not to smile when other people do.. might just be me. He’s rolling with it now and just smacked the statue off his desk. Andy’s speech was a set-up for the actual sketch which is product placement in Skins now that all of their advertising is backing out. Jesse Eisenberg is playing Tony (not to be confused with Tony Stonem). Abby Elliott is the Michelle, I guess? There’s eyebrow movement all over the place, seems James Milo Newman-ish. C.P. Wang, “We sell fruit now.” Sexy. Squirrel skin condoms are amazing for young vaginas. These are things I never wanted to hear about on tv. Sadly, berlusconiisinnocente.net only redirects to NBC. This sketch is way too long. Back to Andy Samberg, whose MTV award is back on his desk.

Spa Talk with Tyla Yonders: Kristen is Tyla, and I just realized that she really hasn’t been in this episode too much. I have nothing to say about this. Except Vanessa Bayer is in this sketch, and I am rooting for her, Jay Pharoah and Taran Killam out of the new cast members. I wish Nicki Minaj were performing again already. Fastforward.

Nicki Minaj – “Moment 4 Life”: Is Drake going to perform? Cause I would flip. Especially if he was in a wheelchair. JIMMY BROOKS 4 LYFE. Wishful thinking, I’m sure. I wish I could pull off wearing a crazy body suit on live TV.

El Shrinko: Andy Samberg again. I appreciate when people act like they can’t act. Their penises are too big! The coordinated hand movements to indicate shrinkage are great. This is an A+ closing sketch. It wouldn’t work at any other time, but Vanessa Bayer was great in this sketch, too. Of course. Make this the Vanessa Bayer show!

Credits: Jesse Eisenberg was pretty much what I thought he would be, but with material that made it work. This seems like the first SNL in a long time that was straight up sketch comedy without failed or dated references. It was more like an episode of Mad TV if you really think of it, but I think that worked really well with Jesse’s abilities. It’s a bummer that the worst part of the episode for me (besides Spa Talk, which I actually left my room during) was Weekend Update. Seth never disappoints me. Tonight, I was disappointed. The Zuckerberg cameo was great if only because he could not look any happier to be there, and his little hug with Jesse at the end there was nice. I expected a bit more out of Nicki Minaj, but she’s definitely my girl crush so I don’t care either way. Dana Carvey is the next host, and while I was legit in love with him as a child, I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle liveblogging that. Especially with musical guest Linkin Park. At least we had a little fun tonight.