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But wait — there’s MORE!

August 28, 2008
I need you, tiny sexy Justin Spring who will probably not even be there. I. Need. You.

I need you, tiny sexy Justin Spring who will probably not even be there. I. Need. You.

Uh, okay, so I’m pretty much devastated that the Gymnastics Superstars tour is NOT COMING TO FLORIDA. Know why? Cos NOTHING COMES TO FLORIDA. Nothing except hurricanes and other forms of TROPICAL RAGE. Whatever. I don’t even care.

I don’t even care that Nastie and Sha– NASTIE? Oh I meant Nastia, obvz. Freudian slip, truly. I don’t EVEN CARE that Nastie and Shawn and J.Ho. will be FLYING THROUGH THE AIR IN A STADIUM NEAR YOU, and not me. No its cool. I dont–you know.. whatever! I UNDERSTAND.

Just try to read the rest of this blog post over the sounds of me weeping into my soy milk and oreos ok? Ok.

——-

So, I was watching the DNC, right? I know, SHOCKING. But yeah I totally was. And I was wondering if they have, like,  a Politician Village — a PoliVil???? HMMM????? — where the politicians stay during the convention and they get 100,000 condoms and they all party after the party parties every night.

I brought this theory to the friends and lovers of one of the websites I like to play on [in secret, cos it’s embarrassing], and they were pretty much in agreement that if there WAS such a PoliVil, the DNC one would be pretty friggen boring and if we REALLY wanted a PoliVil party, the RNC is where it’s at.

So, I brought THAT discussion to my mother, who happens to be older than God. OMG I KID, MOMMY, I LOVE YOU. But she’s been around a while and she knows EVERYTHING, basically. AAAAAND she basically completely refuted that point with some of her own very convincing arguments:

  • Who are the ones who are always getting into scandals because of their AFFAIRS? Democrats:
  • FDR apparently was having an affair with Lucy Mercer. Although… have you SEEN Eleanor!? Who could blame him? I mean no offense, Ellie, you were a GREAT LADY and all but holy jowels.
  • JFK can go without explanation.

    Oh Johnny, you DIRTY DIRTY presidential candidate. You bad, bad boy.

    Oh Johnny, you DIRTY DIRTY presidential candidate. You bad, bad boy!

  • Bill Clinton and HEY SUP MONICA LEWINSKY.
  • She may have mentioned something about Jimmy Carter being faithful only because what woman would consensually bone Jimmy Carter? Oh, mommy.
  • Not a presidential candidate, but remember GARY CONDIT? The Democrat who served on the House of Representatives and OH YEAH, had an affair with that woman Chandra Levy, who later turned up DEAAAAD!?!?!
  • Oh and lets not forget that hottie JOHN EDWARDS whose affair was recently confirmed all during his poor wife’s battle with CANCER. But man, he’s a hottie. I wouldn’t have passed that up either.

Soooo yeah. Mommy brings up some pretty valid points all on her own. Now I’m faced with trying to decide which is the dirtier, kinkier party. Maybe the Dems are worse at hiding their affairs, but the Republicans are kinkier in secret. I mean, I can totally imagine someone like Dick Cheney being really into BSDM. Or something. And I just googled that to make sure I got the acronym right AAAAAND now the google probably thinks I’m some kinky pervert. THANKS, GOOGLE.

Also, we should keep in mind that most of the Republican party is like SUPER SUPER OLD. They shouldn’t be boning ANYONE, lest their hearts give out mid-thrust/whip/spank/coitus.

So, friends and lovers, what is your take on this whole thing? Which do you think is the more rockin’ PoliVil?

I think I’m leaning towards PoliVil (D), if only so I can get in on that John Edwards bandwagon. He is SO the Ryan Lochte of American Politics. Mmmmm.

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