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The INSTANT Michael Phelps Review!

September 14, 2008

Cold Open — Tina Fey probably watched many, many episodes of Bobby’s World to get the Palin accent down. Amy Poehler is SO PREGNANT. That jacket is not hiding anything, yo. Pregnant! Pregnant! Poehler/Arnett baby! Funniest baby ever! Thank you, SNL, for the “I don’t know what the Bush doctrine is.” I just googled flurge. Urban Dictionary’s giving me very little. So what do you mean, SNL writers?! This is a really long cold open, but I’m enjoying every second of it. Hillary going postal. Sarah posing the whole way through.

Monologue — Michael Phelps is so tall. He looks so good in a tux. Amy Poehler is all over the place, and she’s so pregnant, and she has to run all over and change costumes, and now she’s DEBBIE PHELPS. Michael Phelps is making fun of his NBC oversaturation and being awful at cue card reading, but here is Will Forte to make that all better. William Shatner! This episode has already filled my ridiculousness quota. Debbie Phelps is really there, too! Aww!

Quiz Bowl — The homeschooled Jasper family. This would be so much better if Phelps could act. Because instead, he just has a crazy wig and looks uncomfortable. This sketch is so awkward, and it’s first sketch. Things are not boding well. I do happen to believe that boys and girls swimming together DID trigger World War I.

Jar Glove Commercial — I have nothing to say, but, girl killed Sudeikis. No.

Locker Room — Michael “Phillips” is just cue card reading all over the place. He is wearing too many clothes to distract me from this. Didn’t they do this sketch last year with dancing Peyton Manning? Yes, yes they did. He’s about to play the song. If somebody air guitars on somebody’s leg, I’m calling this episode dead on arrival. Ok, fine, I could watch Will Forte dance all day. That was much less Phelps dancing than Peyton dancing.

Dinner Party — Amy Poehler, stop hiding your belly behind pillows. Michael Phelps has some fantastic hair. Celisse says that it is practically Lochte’s hair. I have no idea what either of them are saying, except that Phelps can do an awesome creepy whiny teen voice. This episode is tanking really quickly. I would absolutely change the channel if I hadn’t committed to reviewing this.

Celisse Wordpower (12:02:28 AM): i will watch ANYTHING he is in, basically, and i will love it.
FlamingPineapple (12:03:17 AM): before 1140 i wouldve said that about phelps

Lil Wayne “Got Money” — Oh man, I was wrong about headphones for Phelps. But he did choose to wear a Michigan shirt. I’m so tired of this vocal distorter being used in rap. Thanks, T-Pain. Seriously, music lovers, just say no to vocoders. I am sad to say that I heard some of that Jay-Z/Kanye/TI/Lil Wayne song, and Jay-Z is using a vocoder now! WTF is that? Jigga, Kanye, TI, you guys are all better than that. Stop it, now. That was shockingly boring. Lil Wayne managed to not grab his crotch, though, so kudos for that.

Weekend Update — Thank God. Something that might be funny is on now. I think that if Sarah Palin were actually there, Amy Poehler would climb over the update desk and choke her. Andy Samberg makes a really creepy Cathy. They should’ve let Tina Fey do this, too.

Charles Barkley Show — Kenan has something to do! It takes the Charles Barkley Show to have some Olympics mentions? Hey, Darryl Hammond still exists. Michael Phelps is playing Michael Phelps! He has to read from a cue card to say “Hard work, determination and commitment”? Really? They should’ve just made him improv this. Less stuttering. Oh, Bela.

TMobile Commercial — An elongation of that TMobile commercial where they say the sister has hot friends. I actually find this one funny, because hell, I love Jason Sudeikis and Kristen Wiig. Michael Phelps played a line well in this. I’m impressed. A mildly funny sketch! Amazing!

Digital Short — I have nothing to say about this. I’m just confused. And there’s a vocoder. The Space Olympics mega fail. I hope Sudeikis got out.

Pizzeria Uno — Amy Poehler is pregnant and not covering her belly! The surprise coupon was mildly adorable and almost made me able to watch this sketch. Then Bobby Moynihan came back. Bobby Moynihan, I already thought it was weird that you were on SNL now, but seriously, get to stepping off this pepper inferno. Michael Phelps is so excited to see The Women.

Lil Wayne “Lollipop” — Phelps still didn’t do anything about his headphones. So, I pretty much refuse to listen to this song, because I spent about 30 minutes updating this title record at my office, and to that I say, I am so disappointed in you, Lil Wayne, for causing me such mental anguish. And for wearing a guitar as a fashion accent? Oh, he’s playing it now. I have no idea what he just said.

Michael Phelps Diet — Michael Phelps just coughed at the beginning of this sketch. Oops. I’m happy Michael Phelps has Nutella as part of his diet. As well as a barrel of Halloween candy and pinatas filled with corned beef hash. AMY POEHLER IS PREGNANT!!! Oh God, Jared Fogel. And people are clapping for him. Hahahaha, sucks a foot long. I love the fact that he has worn several striped shirts that have only accentuated his wonderful torso.

Goodbyes — There was no Lochte. There was no shirtlessness. But the last sketch made me laugh a lot. It kind of redeemed the rest of it, if only because I’ve already managed to forget how bad it was. Michael Phelps did just remind me, though, because he thanked us for coming and told us to have a good Saturday. It’s Sunday, and I didn’t really show up, Milky. But Amy Poehler is SO CUTE AND SO PREGNANT AHH.

And just because I’m now in a better mood than I was at 12:01 when I wanted to pass out from the badness of this episode, I will post the amazingness of Keith Olbermann.

It’s a damn shame that MSNBC is pretty much cutting him out of the picture.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 14, 2008 5:13 am

    Call me. So I can get it juicy for ‘ya.

  2. jimbo permalink
    September 14, 2008 5:23 pm

    That would be FLERG.

  3. September 14, 2008 5:26 pm

    Flerg 15 up, 2 down

    1.) The state of a man’s penis when it is not erect.

    2.) The foreskin of a man’s penis.
    “man, that cold water sure gave me a flerg”

    Oh well that is nothing but accurate.

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