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The fairly instant John Malkovich/T.I. Review!

December 7, 2008

I’m a little behind on this review tonight, as I’ve come down with a mysterious illness (..cold) and spent all day at museums, overpriced restaurants and seeing a little band I like to call Vampire Weekend. I also apparently set my tape for the wrong channel tonight, but my roommate saved the day and changed it not too far in.

So here goes.

John Malkovich is the creepiest creep to ever creep, and T.I. is a smooth mofo who looks good doing anything. Therefore, expectations are decent. If I can survive through without falling asleep into a sicky haze.

Monologue – This was cut off thanks to my silly taping the wrong channel thing. But throwing creepy John Malkovich in with children is pretty magical. Weird for a monologue. And I do not advise anyone sucking on pennies.

Happy Birthday – John Malkovich’s wig is freaking me out. Kristen Wiig being all boobalicious is freaking me out more. The set-up for Kristen to actually not be sexy was way too long. But the pay-off is pretty funny. The banana? The singing? The facial reactions from Will, Andy and Kenan?

Barack Obama – This is filmed like an awesome jazz commercial. Keepin it cool. And here comes the jazz music. And now he’s sort of singing. And keeping his jacket over his shoulder. Cool. Though there’s something lacking in the Barack impression tonight, Fred. The rhythm is there. The voice isn’t. Don’t play the fool, Obama! I do enjoy the yeah at the end.

Kanye’s on next week? SNL is going all rap crazy lately. I approve.

RAI – Vinny Verdecci! This is a recurring sketch from the Shia LaBeouf episode, no? John Malkovich is in Changeling? That’s patently untrue. (Okay, it’s true.) If that’s John Malkovich losing his temper, he is cooler than Barack Obama. Oh wow, Hader’s Malkovich impression is spot on. I want to see Being Vinny Verdecci. Oh wait, it’s pornography. Pornography is sex movie. Maybe I don’t want to see it. Chef Boyar G’s is one of the best sight gags I’ve seen in awhile. Ok, maybe not, but it did make me laugh.

Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express – Whoa, horsie. I would like a stermp. Do I need a stamp to mail it to Virgania Horsen and a stermp so she’ll deliver it after she receives it in North Dakota? So many questions. So little time.

Family Christmas – Fred and John Malkovich as twins make sense. They’re the two weirdest people ever. Texas instruments in the house! This sketch isn’t very funny. Glenn gets his own Wii. That’s a pretty shitty looking calculator. I was expecting graphing at least. But they own it! If they were so brilliant, they’d be able to figure this out without the calculator. Bored.

T.I. “Whatever You Like” – Aw, he’s dressed for winter (and looks good doing it)! All scarfy and hatty and sweatery. Yes, T.I. Yes. Clifford Harris is so smooth. And holy smokes, guys, that is a serious rubber band bank. Do we think that’s real money? Do we think lil Clifford carries around that big a stack in his pocket? And hey, drawers. The suspenders are a good look. As are the dance moves. Silly dance moves and wads of cash and awesome looking backup singers/band members. I want to join his entourage. Part of his rubber band bank was falling out of his pocket so he moved it to his back pocket. Hee. Ahmazing.

Weekend Update – Yay! Amy Poehler! A little birdie told me that she played Hillary in the cold open, I’m sure it will be on Hulu. Saxby Chambliss is a great name. For a font. Oh, recession jokes out the wazoo. Still funny. And man, I want an “I don’t feel so good Elmo.” Oh, the Plaxico jokes. Yes! Too bad Kenan looks nothing like Plaxico. It’s unfortunate that this segment isn’t that funny, considering that the story itself is HI-FREAKING-LARIOUS. I do want cranberry juice now. Guns and sweatpants do not mix. The wide receiver joke is decent. “There are two things I hate, cornerbacks and safeties.”

Cyber Monday! You best believe I bought half of my Christmas presents online Monday. I did not, however, hang around masturbating afterwards, Amy Poehler. Fred Armisen is a great Boy George. Remember when Boy George looked all crazy like this?



I’m so thirsty for cranberry juice and Boy George just keeps giggling about the time he went all Black Snake Moan on a Norwegian rentboy. Seth Meyers makes me laugh just by saying “No.” I don’t know what it is about the Meyers that tickles my funny bone, but he really does.

Hey, David Rasmussen. You show that Alec Greven. I don’t really like this whole story. It’s weird. I don’t know. I just can’t get behind it.

That Bush “nuts on a toothbrush” joke bombed horribly. I’m glad they made a joke about the Intercontinental Airport having karaoke. I read my Houston Chronicle every day, and I couldn’t believe it. There’s video, too. If I fly into Intercontinental when I go home for Christmas I am totally doing it. And the walrus playing the saxophone! Man, it’s the “news stories that Kim focused on this week” ending of Weekend Update.

Golly, Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers love each other so much. It’s adorbs.

The Lost Works of Judy Blume – The cut from hallway to Gertie’s bedroom was so fast that I’m almost amazed. Or maybe it wasn’t so fast and I just fell asleep. The names in this sketch are pretty good. Bamona. Mudge. Poor Gertie. She’s so misguided. And growing a tail. I do like Kenan’s theme song, though.

Digital Short – For some reason, I love these damn stupid music video digital shorts. Is that Molly Sims? I don’t know who this dude is, but he looks familiar and oh, hey, Justin Timberlake. Oh, that’s Jorma Taccone. Right? That was pretty lame, but it’s good to see one of the Lonely Island dudes on screen. Kind of weird to see the digital short so late in the episode, but maybe it’s because it’s all about jizzing in your pants.

Hi, Jorma.

Hi, Jorma.

T.I. “Swing Your Rag” – Swizz Beatz and T.I. are swinging their rags. They are swinging their Louis rags, but if you ask me, it sounds like doody. And Gucci rag sounds like coochie rag. This is bizarre. I don’t remember Swizz Beatz being so handsome. Aw man, they have choreography sort of, and I am kind of in love with it. Okay, very in love with it. Okay, fine, I am madly in love with T.I. It all goes back to me and my cousins being obsessed with “What You Know” back in the day. T.I.’s shirt says Akoo, as mentioned in the lyrics and not Akon, which I thought it said. They don’t dance? But they were dancing. And that’s kind of like that song in High School Musical where they sing about not dancing while playing baseball and dancing. Oh, they threw their rags down. And now they’re manhugging. And now they’re picking up their rags cause they don’t want to make a mess, I guess. Or they dont want Amy Poehler running in and stealing their Gucci rags.

J’acuzzi: The flower next to John Malkovich fits perfectly into the NBC logo, and it’s weirding me out. “If you want to see me dressed as a French aristocrat in a jacuzzi without getting to know me socially..” That’s pretty much the only line worthy of noting in this sketch.

Closing – I like that everyone from J’acuzzi is in a robe. And that John Malkovich is barefoot. Not bad, not bad. Good to see Amy. T.I. and Swizz Beatz make me happy. Overall, decent episode. Amanda thought it was great. I think it’s okay. It could be because I’m tired. Or it could be because Amanda’s wrong. I’m not sure. (Hi, Amanda! :D) At any rate, it went by super fast, so that’s a plus. What you know about that.

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