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LiveBloggin’ the MTV Movie Awards?!

May 31, 2009

You all know I pick any excuse in the world to LiveBlog something.

So, I haven’t watched the MTV Movie Awards since… uh probably ever, actually. And to be honest, I didn’t even see very many movies last year. Wow, I just set a great tone for the rest of this post didn’t I? YEAH, I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I’M BLOGGING ABOUT FOR THE NEXT TWO HOURS. SOUNDS GREAT. No, just kidding. But MTV usually puts on a good show, and even when they don’t, it’s hilarious to watch them try, so might as well.

Right now I’m watching the series finale of The Hills, and to be perfectly honest, it’s pretty sad that it’s ending! I can’t say that I’ve watched regularly for the past three seasons or so, but it’s like a little chunk of my early 20’s ending, and there’s gonna be a lot less Monday night eyerolling and gossip fodder. SIGH.

Anyway, you’re not here to listen to me whine about The Hills ending. You’re here to listen to me be a jerkfaced liveblogger.

OKAY WAIT, WHY ARE ALL THE MOST RANDOM ASS PEOPLE AT THIS WEDDING, THOUGH. SERIOUSLY. Since when is Justin Bobby friends with Spencer and Heidi? And why is STACIE THE SKANKY BARTENDER there? I’m– OH MTV MOVIE AWARDS. FOCUS, CELISSE.

Miley Cyrus actually looks really cute and age-appropriate, but what's with the 900 rings and bracelets?

Miley Cyrus actually looks really cute and age-appropriate, but what's with the 900 rings and bracelets?

I don’t know why the pictures are so blurry on Daylife, but that’s lame.

Okay, I should be trying harder not to talk so much crap on Twilight, but seriously? I was all over this outfit, despite the fact that Kristen Stewart looks like a washed up slag in it, until I got to the shoes. Come on.

Okay, I should be trying harder not to talk so much crap on Twilight, but seriously? I was all over this outfit, despite the fact that Kristen Stewart looks like a haggard slag in it, until I got to the shoes. Come on. OMG CELISSE STOP H8IN.

OKAY the show is about to start AND I haven’t even gotten a chance to do red carpet photos even though I have like nine Daylife tabs open in my browser right now. I’ll have to edit them in as the show goes on.

So, Andy Samberg is hosting this year, as everyone knows, and all I need to say about that is that I recently had a dream where I made out with him, and then Spencer Pratt punched me in the face. I’m not even kidding. Is that off-topic? I think so.

Chekkit, it’s the opening skit where Andy basically travels through every movie of the past year. So far I’ve recognized Twilight, OH ITS STAR TREK. Uh, Andy isn’t very fit, is he? Not gonna be answering any queries for Andy Samberg shirtless very soon, are we? EEE JUSTIN JUSTIN J.TIM and naked Andy. Awkward.

“YOUR PENIS LOOKS LIKE FERGIE FROM THE BLACK EYED PEAS.” WHAT?

OH, ANDY.

OH, ANDY.

Okay the show officially started and they immediately cut to Robert Pattinson, aka footface, and I still don’t understand that guy’s appeal, honestly. Someone, anyone, enlighten me.

OH HELLO DOUG AND PARIS. That’s such a weird combo. Speaking of, why weren’t they at the wedding? Everyone else on the planet was, apparently.

Such a random pairing, Paris Hilton and Doug from the Hills. He has no last name -- he's just Doug from the Hills.

Such a random pairing, Paris Hilton and Doug from the Hills. He has no last name -- he's just Doug from the Hills.

OH MY GOD IT’S KEYBOARD CAT AHAHA! Wowwwww, we’re gettin old memes on live TV now. Love it.

Why is Megan Fox so annoying? DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE HYPE.

FRED ARMISENNNNN YESSSS!!!! He’s getting an intervention with Dr. Phil. Mhm. And Cameron D. stops by for no reason, which is expected since she does that on SNL all the damn time.

First presenters, ANNA FARIS AND CHRIS PINE, and Celisse swoons loudly, thanks. Hello Chris you scruffy scruffy hunkus. Anna Faris is.. weird looking, as usual.

Breakthrough Female: Amanda Seyfried, Mamma Mia; Ashley Tisdale, HSM 3; Frieda Pinto, Slumdog Millionaire; Miley, Hannah Montana The Movie; Vanessa Hudgens, HSM 3; Kat Dennings, Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist

Why the hell are there so many nominees? My fingers are gonna freak out, dude. Winner: Ashley Tisdale. Well, okay. That’s weird, Disney movies on MTV. The Zef looks a little peeved, honestly.

Megan Fox and Michael Bay present next, and I seriously just hate Megan Fox, I mean it. And someoe screams out I LOVE YOU MICHAEL BAY, and no one in the entire world agrees. TRANSFORMERS SNEAK PEEK. I use this time to rewind and record, cos I forgot. Whoops. Also gonna try to add in some red carpet pics while I have a minute during commercials.

Megan Fox. Dress is cute, shoes are cute, hair is nasty, face is RUDE. I just can't stand her. WHATEVER.

Megan Fox. Dress is cute, shoes are cute, hair is nasty, face is RUDE. I just can't stand her. WHATEVER.

—–

Commercials are over and I didn’t get to add any pics cos I was lookin for stupid photos of R.Patz and didn’t find any. THE PAPARAZZI KNOWS HE’S FUGLY TOO. Just kidding.

SHIAAAAA LABEOUF!!!!! He’s such a cutie, that Louis Stevens. He’s presenting —

Best Fight: Ron Perlman vs Luke Goss, Hellboy II; Anne Hathaway vs Kate Hudson, Bride Wars; Heath Ledger vs Christian Bale, The Dark Knight; Cam Gigandet vs Robert Pattinson, Twilight; Seth Rogen & James Franco vs Danny McBride, Pineapple Express

I’m rootin for the Pineapple, loves. And AHAHAHA Shia completely mispronounces Cam Gigandet’s name when he announces the Best Fight Winner: Twilight.

Whateverrrrr. I will never forgive that guy for KILLING MARISSA COOPER.

Taraji P. Henson and Bradley Cooper and some other people introduce Eminem, and I take a nap. No, dude, Bradley Cooper is so hot. I’m serious. He’s so hot. Taraji has on some weird getup that looks like a French maid’s outfit:

I don't get this dress.

I don't get this dress.

Eminem’s new face bugs me. Not that it’s NEW, but it looks different as hell and it’s just weirding me out lately, man. He’s performing Crack a Bottle, and I love that song, not even gonna lie. Whatevzzzz. COMMERCIAL BREAK.

—–

AND WE’RE BACK. And Andy Samberg is dressed like… Bruce Springsteen? Is this reference totally over my head? Probably. He’s singing about EXPLOSIONS. And Will Ferrell is Niel Diamond and he has some FANCY HAIR, dude. Keyboard solo by JJ Abrams. Nice! I guess…. AW, HEATH LEDGER. WALKING AWAY FROM AN EXPLOSION. I miss him still.

I JUST CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY QUINTO CUTIE. YES.

Next presenters are Jonah Hill and Vanessa Hudgens. haahaahaaahaaaaahaahahaaaa. Vanessa is wearing… a robe? Weird.

Breakthrough Male: DEV PATEL, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, YES. I didn’t even see that movie I’M SORRY, but I love Dev Patel so much. I’m a loser; Taylor Lautner, Twilight; Bobb’e J. Thompson, Role Models; Ben Barnes, Chronicles of Narnia; Robert Pattinson, Twilight, and seriously the entire audience spontaneously orgasms, while I vomit. If R.Patz gets it I’ll I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS CRAP ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ARE. YOU. KIDDING ME? Winner: Robert Pattinson. Eff this noise. Good God, he’s annoying.

OH MY GOD THIS PHOTO JUST MADE ME DIE LAUGHING:

JONAH HILL FREAKING OUT OVER BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF FOOTFACE.

JONAH HILL FREAKING OUT OVER BEING IN THE PRESENCE OF FOOTFACE.

If this is seriously gonna be another MTV VMA’s/Britney Spears situation, I’m gonna be so pissed. COMMERCIALS.

—–

Okay the show is back, and Bruno is seriously flying in while Enigma’s “Sadeness” plays in the background. This could not possibly get more weird. He lands CROTCH FIRST on Eminem, and Em is freaking out so hard that they had to completely cut out the sound from him cursing so much. And now he and his entourage are leaving in a huff, because they’re dumbasses, basically.

A really, really, really angry Eminem was under there someplace.

A really, really, really angry Eminem was under there someplace.

Bruno mumbles something about Zac Efron, who looks confused as hell and gets on stage to accept an award, and no one knows what for. Oh, I guess it’s Best Male Performance for HSM 3. THIS WAS THE MOST CONFUSING THING I’VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. I guess Bruno was announcing the Nominees while Eminem was getting ready to shut him the fuck down. Zac seriously looks SO confused but really humble and adorable, actually.

I really enjoy this photo of Zac Efron very confusingly accepting his award.

I really enjoy this photo of Zac Efron very confusingly accepting his award.

Oh, its a clip from Harry Potter. Uh, that’s cool. The little ginger one is kinda cute. COMMERCIALS.

—–

And no more commercials. And some guy is humping the golden popcorn. Weird.

Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock are presenting Best Kiss. Sandra Bullock is old.

Best Kiss: Sean Penn and James Franco, Milk; James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie, Wanted; Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, Twilight ughhhh; Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto, Slumdog Millionaire; Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, HSM3; Paul Rudd and Thomas Lennon, I Love You, Man.

I can get behind that Paul Rudd/Thomas Lennon nonsense not gonna lie. Oh, bighugesurprise, Winners: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, Twilight. I’m so over this. They don’t even look excited. Oh, they’re gonna make out on stage, wonderful.

VOMIT.

VOMIT.

NOPE NEVERMIND. Thank God.

Oh lookit, it’s Chris Isaak and Leanne Rimes to perform Jizz in my Pants. Well, okay. I take a break so I don’t pee in my pants, thanks. HAY THAT’S FORREST WHITAKER SINGING DICK IN A BOX. Okay, now I’m all behind this, I love him.

Siiingin' Dick in a Box. Not kidding.

Siiingin' Dick in a Box. Not kidding.

Hayden Panettiere and …some guy. What the hell is this guy’s name? He reminds me of Posh Kenneth from Skins. I always wanna hate Hayden Panettiere, but she’s friggen cute, okay? Anyway, they’re presenting the Best WTF Moment: Aaaand they’re rapping it, which makes this kind of obnoxious for me to type out. But the winner is Amy Poehler for Baby Mama. And she’s not there to accept but she taped an acceptance and she’s just adorable as always. And dropping the F-bomb throughout the whole thing, natch. OH Big Pac is that guy’s name? WHO THE HECK IS HE?

Leighton Meester and Li’l Wayne are presenting Best Song from a Movie. What is Leighton wearing? CAN I JUST SAY I LOVE HER? I KNOW ITS REALLY TYPICAL FOR ME TO LOVE HER SINCE I’M A GG FANATIC, BUT I LOVE HER. But what is she wearing? Lil Wayne is “promoting his acting premiere.” Boy, am I excited. HAH he gives a little shoutout to Obama, though, which is cute as hell. Anyway.

86372906PB075_18th_Annual_M

Best Song from a Movie: Jai Ho — AR Rahman, Slumdog Millionaire; The Wrestler — Bruce Springsteen, The Wrestler; Decode — Paramore, Twilight; The Climb — Miley Cyrus; Hannah Montana, the Movie.

Winner: Miley Cyrus — The Climb.

Oh, Miley, your little fugface is so cute sometimes.

Oh, Miley, your little fugface is so cute sometimes.


I love how Miley CANNOT walk in her heels. But I like her dress and she looks excited so that’s okay. Aaaand she tries to be funny by literally screaming: “I’M ON A BOAT!”, and it’s really weird.

Exclusive clip from Twilight. Snore. Can someone tell me why Kristen Stewart always looks absolutely miserable? Come on. Is it because she’s involved with Twilight? Well, now I can understand.

—–

Ben Stiller is awarded the MTV Generation Award. That’s fair, he’s been working for, what, 182934328 DECADES ALREADY? And in that time he’s played, like, three characters? HAHAHAAAAAAA I KID, I KID. I like Ben Stiller well enough, actually, and I can appreciate him getting that award. YOU GO, BOY. I still love Reality Bites, not even gonna lie. And they finish this Ben Stiller movie montage while playing Coldplay, which of course makes it all the more PROFOUND.

Zac Efron, Kiefer Sutherland, and Tri… Triumph the puppet dog thing that hasn’t been seen or heard from since, like, 1999 or something? What? Well, okay. Anyway, they’re making fun of Ben and he blows a kiss to Zac. ROFL. Ben gets up to get his award and HEY THEY’RE ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT REALITY BITES!!! YES!!!! And now they’re talking about 24 and Ben looks ANNOYED, in a hilarious way. And Triumph calls the new Night at the Museum torture, tying it all in to 24, wahahaha. Okay, this is running long. Go get your award, baby.

He’s FINALLY getting his award, after like 15 minutes. JEEZ. Kiefer is SOBBING ON STAGE WAHAHA. And hugging Ben. Verging on molestation.

Ben Stiller and Kiefer Sutherland hug, and Zac Efron is like awkwaaaaaaard.............

Ben Stiller and Kiefer Sutherland hug, and Zac Efron is like awkwaaaaaaard.............

And now it’s a skit about the new video game, DOUBT, based on the movie with Philip Seymoure Hoffman and Meryl Streep. Hmmmm. COMMERCIALS!!

—–

I’m waiting for more pics to be uploaded to Daylife and it’s taking FOREVERRRRRR.

Abigail Breslin, Cameron Diaz, and Sofia Vassilieva are presenting next, and the younger two are making jokes about all of Cameron’s “adult films.” Hilar? I guess.

Best Female Performance: Anne Hathaway, Bride Wars; Angelina Jolie, Wanted; Kate Winslet, The Reader; Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button; Kristen Stewart, Twilight.

Winner: Kristen Stewart, Twilight. I’m seriously done with this. Aaaaand she still looks miserable. Wonderful. SHE SERIOUSLY DROPPED THE POPCORN. AND I DIE LAUGHING. DIE. LAUGHING. And Popcorn Man holds it tightly for the rest of her time on stage, and she legitimately RUNS off stage. omg omg omg ok it was worth it, just for that.

Sienna Miller and Channing Tatum introduce Kings of Leon. New hit, “Use Somebody?” That’s not new! OLD MEME, MTV.

COMMERCIALS!!!

—–

Andy Samberg is excited about having changed his outfit. AWESOME, ANDY.

Danny McBride and Will Ferrell are presenting next. And they’re holding… cats? Are those real cats? Those are FAKE CATS, you nerds. EUTHANIZED PERSION CATS. THAT’S NOT NICE, GENTLEMEN. So they kicked them away. hahaha

Best Comedic Performance: Amy Poehler, Baby Mama; Steve Carrell, Get Smart; Anna Faris, The House Bunny; Jim Carrey, Yes Man; JAMES FRANCO, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. You can always tell my favorites.

Winner: Jim Carrey. This is a night full of disappointments. I don’t even know ANYONE who saw Yes Man. There’s this big un-funny weird thing going on during his acceptance where we HEAR HIS MIND, or something, but at some point he says, “PLEASE OVERTURN PROP 8.” Sounds good to me! SWINE FLU REFERENCE. This show has jumped the shark.

Commercials. SIGH.

—–

Denzel Washington and his daughter, Olivia. That’s cute!

Best Movie: The Dark Knight; Slumdog Millionaire; HSM3; Iron Man; Twilight.

If Twilight wins I’ll puke, I’ll puOH JESUS COME ON.

Winner: Twilight.

COME ONNNNNN  SHUT UP. ROFL they were gonna keep thanking people, I think, and Andy totally cut them off and ended the show. But wasn’t there supposed to be a viewers choice or something? The timing on this show was COMPLETELY OFF. I’m so confused.

What the hell, I didn’t see Best Villain. Did they show that? WHAT? Apparently Heath Ledger won that one, though, so yay.

Okay, that was kinda disappointing and I’m still confused about the ending and now I don’t know how to end this. WHATEVER, SHOW’S OVER. NOTHIN’ TO SEE HERE. I actually lost a follower on twitter because of my obsessive liveblogging tweets. Whoops!

Anyway, check back here a little later cos I’m probably gonna update this with more photos as they become available. In the mean time, have a good night!

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9 Comments leave one →
  1. Kim permalink
    May 31, 2009 10:27 pm

    I think Megan fox is a cyborg.

  2. May 31, 2009 10:48 pm

    I am watching The Hills right now but came for these spoilers. Kristen Stewart always looks like that because she HIGH AS FUCK!!!

  3. May 31, 2009 10:49 pm

    What time does that man’s balls get lowered onto Eminem’s face? I only want to watch that part. I’m going to watch part 2 of this Lifetime Original Film I was watching called…MANEATER instead , thanks for the asap blog!!!

    • May 31, 2009 10:55 pm

      It happens in TWO MORE COMMERCIAL BREAKS from right now, if you’re watching the replay right now.

    • June 1, 2009 3:34 am

      wtf Marie I was totally watching Maneater off and on while I was making pizza tonight. So what happened, did she get back with that husband guy or is she gonna work at the women’s shelter and become a STRONG AND PROUD AND INDEPENDENT BROAD like we are?

  4. Cris permalink
    May 31, 2009 11:20 pm

    these are the best chronicals I’ve ever read in my whole life! hahahahahahahahaha
    I DIED LAUGHING WITH YOU!
    Hahaha you’re so fu.. right 🙂
    IT WAS TOTALLY WEIRD… AWKARD, and more… wasn’t it???
    Zac Efron looked unconfortable all the time!
    Ok anyway… let’s wait to the next MTV 2010… haha…

  5. Cris permalink
    May 31, 2009 11:21 pm

    BTW…
    did they have red carpet?…..

    i’m still amazed with the awards… haha… in a bad way obviously..

    • May 31, 2009 11:23 pm

      Hi!

      I think they did have red carpet, but they didn’t do like a pre-show like they usually do. They just broadcast live from the red carpet while The Hills was on. It was randommmmm.

  6. June 1, 2009 3:32 am

    I’m gonna youtube the teabagging, is there anything else I absolutely should youtube?

    If you didn’t liveblog these important events, I’d never have any clue as to what is going on.

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