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Happy 4th of July!

July 5, 2009

My 4th of July’s are never exciting. Today I planned to get up early so I could catch an 11am parade on Key Biscayne, and then shove my face with as much free BBQ as I could find. Unfortunately, I stayed up last night until nearly 5, doing late night cleaning (like a total psycho, I know), which meant that I ended up sleeping way later than I wanted to.

By the time I woke up and showered and got ready, the clock told me that all the free BBQ I was hoping for would be long gone. So, instead, I went over to the supermarket and got my own supplies for a homemade mini BBQ. Hot dogs, chicken salad, chips, salsa, and margaritas were all on the menu for the festivities, and once night fell, I sat on my lawn with some drinks and watched my neighbors launch the illegal fireworks they stock up on weeks and weeks in advance. If there’s anything that the residents of Miami Lakes love, it’s an excuse to shoot fireworks off their front lawns.


Anyway, the couple weeks or so leading up to this year’s July 4th has been a whirlwind, to say the least. The Iran protests are still going strong, with “citizen reporters” alleging that the Iranian government hanged 20 people in Tehran’s Karaj prison today. While some reports indicate that those who were executed today were drug traffickers — a charge punishable by death — other reports have mentioned that the drug trafficking charge is often given to dissidents. Even further reports have said that as many as 14 separate executions were committed today to protesters. News coming out of Iran is still slow and hard to confirm, but the brutality going on over there is enough for me to thank my lucky stars that I’m living in my crazy country on this balmy July 4th, and not in a place where, you know, helicopters spray acid on protesters.

Slowing down the media coverage of Iran was, of course, the tragic deaths of Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson on the 25th of June, followed by the shocking death of volume-impaired infomercial star, Billy Mays, who died due to complications from heart disease on the 28th.

Not gonna lie, but Billy Mays’ death made me pretty sad, guys. More sad than even Farrah Fawcett and MJ, and I can’t even begin to explain why. On Twitter, one of the Iranians I follow was upset about the #iranelection hashtag pretty much disappearing, replaced by trending topics about Billy Mays. He wanted to know who this person was and why anyone cares about the death of a commercial star. It’s just one of those things, man. You either get it, or you don’t.

Anyway, according to ONTD, in honor of the legendary pitchman, the pallbearers all wore blue OxyClean shirts and khaki pants at his funeral on Friday.

Pallbearers wearing Blue OxyClean shirts at Billy Mays' funeral on July 3rd.

Pallbearers wearing Blue OxyClean shirts at Billy Mays' funeral on July 3rd.

I’m not sure whether to find this heartwarming, or appalling, to be perfectly honest. In any case, reading the comments on the aforementioned ONTD post led me to this little gem, to which I couldn’t help but give a hearty LOL:


As a native Floridian, let me tell you, I wouldn’t expect something like that to happen anywhere but my home state.


Moving on from tragic celebrity deaths ’09, Friday sent us into a tailspin when Sarah Palin unexpectedly announced her resignation as Alaska Governor in three weeks. The internet was abuzz with the news, but I don’t really get it. Didn’t we all know this was gonna happen? Palin hasn’t yet announced her future political plans, but I’m assuming she’s just paving her way to White House in 2012. If that’s the case, good luck, baby, cos you’re gonna need it. Here’s her resignation press conference.

I can’t find a clip of this, but just after her press conference, MSNBC’s David Shuster had some pundits on (whose names I can’t recall, I apologize) who were saying if her political career wasn’t over already, it certainly is after that ridiculous press conference. I don’t know, guys. Palin is like a cockroach. Just when you think she’s been squashed into oblivion, she comes back to do some more damage to the GOP. Let’s keep our eyes peeled for what shenanigans that crazy kid will be up to in the coming months.


On a completely different spectrum from celebrity deaths, idiotic politicians and national holidays, some good news came out last week from The Jonas Brothers — Kevin Jonas (henceforth known as Porkins) is engaged?! To an orange Haylie Duff lookalike?

Porkins and fiance Danielle Deleasa

Porkins and fiance Danielle Deleasa

Oh well, I can’t hate on young love, so good for them. Apparently the rock Porkins got her burned a $75,000 hole in his pocket, so that’s pretty dang fancy, but once that purity ring comes off, I’m voting him out of the band.


In the mean time, as our Independence Day comes to a close and my freshly manicured nails dry as I very carefully tap away at this keyboard, I’ll leave you with some of the wise words my friend Tiffany wrote today, in honor of our crazy wonderland of a country:

I ♥ my country.

I ♥ my country. It’s so hip to be disillusioned with our country, but I embody the spirit of a filthy old man, so to hell with that.

Who can condemn a country that produced Dolly Parton, Cab Calloway, Clint Eastwood, Amanda Lepore, Chris Hansen, Lil Jon, John Waters, Elvis Presley, Slim Whitman, Amelia Earhart, Wilma Mankiller, Mae West and so many other fine heroes? I mean, we explode things for entertainment on our birthday and we have such nice teeth, despite how typically awful dental insurance is. I mean, hell, we’ll jail Paris Hilton if necessary. None of this Pete Doherty crap. And look at our president! Just look at him! Such a sexy guy and you can easily find clips of him saying “and your mother was begging Barack to stop.”

In all seriousness, we aren’t that bad and I frown on whiners who incessantly bitch about this country. We have many flaws, but it just ain’t that bad.
Happy 4th of July, baby! Here’s to another year! Now go make some homemade fireworks and get yourself on America’s Funniest.

Muah! [via]

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Happy 4th! Let’s raise a glass and hope the rest of July goes on more smoothly and less deathly than June was. Oh, and enjoy some of the hilarious fireworks my neighbors launched tonight:

Goodnight, innernet!

3 Comments leave one →
  1. July 5, 2009 9:51 am

    THANK YOU! haylie duff! thaaaaaat’s who she looks like…

    • Celisse permalink
      July 5, 2009 10:08 am

      For reeeeeal, doesn’t she?! Another blog said that she looks like a brunette Ashley tisdale but I don’t really see that one. Either way, homegurl’s got a face we’ve seen before. Except overtanned.

  2. July 10, 2009 2:38 pm

    do you think that the other jonii (assuming theyre still actually virgins) will ask kevin all kinds of honeymoon questions and then quickly toss their own rings aside?

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