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Sunday’s Swimming Nationals!

July 12, 2009

And we’re back! After the mixture of doldrums and excitement that yesterday was, I’m glad that today is only an hour. Subtract the 9234938423 other countries and just give me two hours of straight swimming, and I struggle. Celisse did a great job of not letting it get to her, though. Read all about yesterday!

We’ve begun to some NBC news about the Tour de France with Lance Armstrong in 3rd Place. The US was eliminated from the Davis Cup by Croatia. Who knew Croatia was so strong at tennis? Former boxer Arturo Gatti was found dead, and they think his wife did it — with the strap of her purse. What a world we live in, huh? They were on a second honeymoon, by the way. Nothing spells prime time for murder like a second honeymoon in Brazil. Also, this translated article regarding the murder is a shining example of why you should never translate an article. I’ll leave it at that, because the man is dead.

Onto the swimming, though, because we’re starting with a SWIM-OFF!!!! This would be a million times more exciting if David Bowie judged it.

However, David Bowie will not be judging it, and since it’s the 50m free, it will last about 4 seconds. Cullen Jones, who is the poster boy for African-American swimming and Garrett Weber-Gale, who holds the American record in this event, tied for second place. Nathan Adrian (Celisse’s new fave swimmer evah) was the winner. I know who wins, because this happened a few days ago and searching for pictures on Daylife yesterday spoiled it, but hey, let’s see if I’m wrong. The announcers are talking about how this is OLD-FASHIONED MANO A MANO, BABY and such. They’re both deciding not to use those silly new Jaked suits that everyone and their mom had on yesterday. And they’re off! Jones got a good start, and he’s in the lead.. and he simultaneously won and broke Weber-Gale’s American record (“and his heart” say the announcers). Jones is also two years older than Weber-Gale, so I’m sure that Garrett will have his time to shine in the future.

US Nationals Swimming

Cullen Jones removed his suit like Phelps yesterday, only the camera wasn’t carefully positioned at his torso the way it was for Milky. Jones watched Nathan Adrian swim over and over again, much like Celisse. Unlike Celisse, though, Rowdy and the other dude are flipping out because Michael Phelps are going to be THERE WITH THEM!!111!! Shout-out to Kitajima! He was Brendan Hansen’s rival, no? And he made some sort of illegal kick and wasn’t disqualified and it was some serious shit back in 2004.

Okay, back to the racing. Women’s 100m freestyle. Let’s pause for a moment to talk about the music being played in the arena. Right now it’s the Eurhythmics’s “Sweet Dreams Are Made of These.” If there was ever a song to pump me up before I swam, it’s that one. No wonder Phelps is all about the headphones. We’re being told that none of these women have a lot of raw speed, so it’s good that they’re in the free race. Dana Vollmer wins. Amanda Weir comes in second.


Dana Vollmer is panting through her interview, which is awesome, because I feel like half of the time everyone gets out of the pool like they just rolled out of bed after a good night’s sleep, fell in a pool and said what up. Meanwhile, I would swim the race in about 4 minutes and then have to be pulled out of the pool. As a testament, I will now eat a brownie.

The announcers really want us to know that we’re not missing anything of consequence while they talk to Michael Phelps.. they are consolation races going on. Cut to a moment where Michael Phelps almost throws Ryan Lochte to the ground over coming close to beating his world record. Or something like that. “One of the biggest sad things” coming out is that headlines are going to be about suits. Michael Phelps HATES SUITS. RARR. And now this is being compared to baseball and steroids, and this makes no sense. Debbie Phelps had a book signing today, and Milky is ragging on her for writing “full novels” to the fans when she signs them. They cut away to her signing a book “To Kim.” Hey, shout-out to me! The set-up of this interview is at such an odd angle, and Rowdy is starting at Michael Phelps so intensely that if I were Phelps, I’d run away as fast as I can. But he has to show off his freakishly long fingers and crooked baseball caps.

Shots of Ryan Lochte and his grill, Peirsol in the pool and on the medal stand and HEY MATT GREVERS. SUP?


Now we have a bit of filler with some autograph signings, with the focus largely on Ryan Lochte and his silly get-up signing his name across his torso. Matt Gangloff was there, and some women I don’t recognize. I only recognize Gangloff because they show his autographed picture.

200M Backstroke! Lochte holds the World Record for this, so obviously he also holds the American Record. This race is all about Lochte and Peirsol, sorry Hayes Johnson (hook ’em!), David Russell, Tyler Clary (who took my advice and removed the gold suit, although he has some huge nose plugs. Hee!), Rex Tullius, Nick Thoman & Matt Thompson. Who do we think Celisse is rooting for?

Things that will never get old, the distance to which Aaron Peirsol jumps in the water and then swims to the start. And the fact that he doesn’t full body suit it up and is still mega fast. Lochte is pretty far in the lead in the early going. And Peirsol has surpassed him at the halfway point. Peirsol is a full second ahead of the world record time, and he’s in the lead going in to the final 50. Lochte is fading, Peirsol is the winner! Yeah! World record, in yo face! Lochte ends in second. Tyler Clary looks stunned, but he maintains his composure enough to remove the nose plugs.


They’re interviewing Aaron Peirsol and Ryan Lochte simultaneously, which is unfortunate because Peirsol should have his moment in the sun alone, but also because I’m not paying attention because Lochte is slowly removing his suit. I feel like this is deliberate. Peirsol just said, “It was a wonderful swim,” which made everyone laugh, and then the interviewer asked Ryan what he thinks and everyone paused for a “WOOOO!” which Lochte clearly enjoys a lot. He also has his wet hair all pushed to one side which is kind of hilarious. Somebody in the crowd just yelled, “Take him down!!” regarding Lochte vs Peirsol, and BOO on that, because go Peirsol! Peirsol is fine with it all, slapping Lochte’s ass, and they skip off arm-in-arm. Or not.

Cut to “backstage” which is really just a giant black drape where Aaron Peirsol is putting on a shirt and Michael Phelps is congratulating him and making fun of Lochte.

Back to the womens! 200M Breaststroke. It’s all about Rebecca Soni, pretty much. I don’t know what else I should say about this. Soni is like 20M ahead of everyone else and ahead of world record pace. She finishes about .1 second behind her own world record, but that’s all gravy. The second place finisher, Keri Hehn finishes more than 3 seconds behind her.


The World Swimming Championships are in like, two weeks, so let’s not forget that, okay?!

The Men’s 200M Breaststroke is up, which means it’s time for Eric Shanteau, my new favorite swimmer this side of Matt Grevers. I root for all of the Longhorn swimmers, though. That means that I’m also rooting for Matt Lowe in this race, but since I’ve never heard of him, I don’t know how far he’s going to go. Scott Spann has had five knee surgeries since Beijing. FIVE! That’s insane. Poor guy. It’s adversity vs adversity in this one. Spann is winning after the first 50, and Lowe is in third place. Yeah, Lowe! Shanteau is blowing away the field in the last 50, and he breaks his own American record from about 10 hours ago. Adam Klein comes out of nowhere to finish second. Michael Phelps was rooting for Spann, and they show his intense stands face, but he ends up in 4th. Lowe finishes in 6th.


Shanteau is the winner, so we’ll be interviewing his torso. Shanteau is cancer free. Pause for “WOOOO!” I love the fact that everyone with Olympic ring tattoos seems to have a missing one where the yellow ring is. Shanteau is being helped out of his bodysuit by someone on the sidelines in a speedo who is also holding a bunch of papers in his mouth. Awkward?

Aaron Peirsol was just named the “Conoco Phillips Performer of the Meet.” HUZZAH!


There are shots of people wearing their blue USA swimming shirts, Ryan Lochte wearing giant glasses…


and now scenic views of Rome, clips from Beijing, and other wonderful looking mens from around the world, including one of my faves, the Australian Andrew Lauterstein. I will forgive them the slight of leaving out Eamon Sullivan.


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