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The 2009 State Farm Home Run Derby.

July 13, 2009

We are never one to pass up the livebloggin’ around here, so it’s Home Run Derby time! Since Chris Berman is announcing, as always, everyone should drink everytime that he says “back back back back.”

David Cook is kicking off festivities by singing that “Declaration” song that I have actually already written about. Thanks, SNL. Anyways, he’s pretty sweaty and there’s fire and it’s all happening on a stage RIGHT THERE in the middle of Busch Stadium. David Wright is kind of paying attention. There are a lot of All-Star workers in khaki shorts and David Cook’s band is wearing jerseys. He isn’t. A baseball player is rocking out with his kid, and it’s adorable, and I have legitimately no idea who that is so I’m sad. It might be Heath Bell. So I take back the “legitimately no idea” part.

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The design in the grass at Busch is really nice. The Gateway Arch and all. The camera man for some inexplicable reason focuses on a baseball set on an amp that is shaking.. you know, to accentuate the crazy rockness that is happening.

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Here’s your line-up:
Texas Rangers – Nelson Cruz
Milwaukee Brewers – Prince Fielder
Detroit Tigers – Brandon Inge (the WTF selection)
San Diego Padres – Adrian Gonzalez
Tampa Bay Rays – Carlos Pena
Philadelphia Phillies – Ryan Howard (who is from St. Louis, so he gets a giant round of applause)
Minnesota Twins – Joe Mauer
St Louis Cardinals – Albert Pujols

Pujols is clearly the star here. Mauer and Howard look kind of ridiculous in their pin-striped pants, but that’s the Twins and the Phils for you, I guess.

The rules, which are brought to you by GI Joe, don’t matter all that much, except for the stupid Final Round where all previous homeruns don’t count. That’s when you have poor Justin Morneau getting kicked to the curb despite winning while everyone fawns over Josh Hamilton.

Its okay, Justin, I still love you.

It's okay, Justin, I still love you.

Before we even begin the competition, Albert Pujols is going to try to hit a homerun to a spot chosen by some lucky bastard who won a contest and might win a car and such. There’s a really loud microphone at home plate, which just brings to mind how often David Wright cursed during the competition last year. Pujols is just yelling in Spanish, so it’s cool. He’s also decidedly not swinging at anything, making the crowd a little impatient. This is like watching paint dry pretty much. Lucky bastard didn’t win anything. And that was a waste of five minutes.

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Ozzie Smith is just hanging out, which is pretty fun. Oh, no wait, he’s throwing out the first pitch. Where is there a first pitch at the Home Run Derby? Yadier Molina dropped it.

Ozzie!

Ozzie!

Twenty minutes in and we’re getting the line-up again, while I debate whether this will be better with the volume off. Nelson Cruz is up, so we’re finally starting something. There’s a lot of applause for Nelson because they announced his name after he had already began, but whatever because we’re underway.

Somebody has a sign that says “Knock out my Braces!”

Erin Andrews is interviewing Justin Morneau even though she thoroughly ignored him and messed up his name during the festivities last year. He’s super Canadian and is saying a bunch of Canadian accent tinged words while giving advice on things that make no sense to me. I won’t be in any Home Run Derbies anytime soon. Nelson Cruz is hitting bombs to the third and fourth deck of Busch Stadium, an area that is named “Big Mac Land.” It makes me want french fries. That’s some advertising, McDonald’s. Chris Berman just nicknamed him Nelson “Sail Around the World” Cruz. He hits 11 homeruns, 2 of which were gold balls to charity, and his longest HR was 471′.

In the background, Joe Mauer is taking a picture of Justin Morneau and Albert Pujols. Now we’re getting a little puff piece on Stan “The Man” Musial. It’s awesome largely because it features him playing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” on the harmonica.

Prince Fielder is up (though they’re interviewing Albert Pujols about Stan Musial over this). Pujols would rather you call him Winnie the Pooh (“Winnie the Pu”) than “The Man” because it’s disrespectful to Musial. Fielder is batting without a cap on, which is really strange to me. Not stranger than his swing, but I’m used to that by now. Prince Fielder has some adorable kids with crazy hair. They should show more shots of him. He also tied Nelson Cruz with nine HR and two golden balls hit for charity. His furthest homerun was 497′ of craziness.

..Six more to go. Brandon Inge is up, sporting his short pants look. Since he’s not doing anything so far (5 outs, no homeruns), we’ll go to Derek Jeter being interviewed by Erin Andrews. He’s chillaxin’ in the dugout rather than out on the field with everyone, but I guess that’s what happens when you’re Jeter. Brandon Inge is up to 8 outs and still laying a big goose egg, which is pretty embarrassing. He hit a rocket for his last out, but it was foul. And I want to give him a hug. Justin Verlander and Curtis Granderson are mocking him. I’m pretty sure that Inge knew that this was running way long and wanted to speed it up and enjoy the show.

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Adrian Gonzalez is up. I hope he got the “speed it up” memo that I put out. Five outs and no HRs! Yes! Sorry, Adrian, I actually do like you, but.. this is a snoozefest. On top of the snoozefest, they’re interviewing Joe Buck. What I most wanted to hear was Joe Buck & Joe Morgan. While some dude in a Rays hat behind him throws up some signs. Yeah, you’re real cool, douche. Anyways, Gonzalez ends with an unfortunate two.

It’s Carlos Pena time! We’re halfway through the first round. He also got my memo. Shots of baseball players recording the event. Why didn’t you just set your DVRs, guys? You’re never going to watch this. Apparently Hunter Pence has Astros blogger Alyson Footer’s camcorder tonight, which should make for some fun blog fodder this week. Erin Andrews is trying really hard not to throw herself at Josh Hamilton and his most thrilling moment was sharing Jesus Christ with all of us. Andrews is quick to throw in, “And having thousands of people chant your name at Yankee Stadium!!!” before he gets too religious and ruins her heathen thoughts. There was just a cute moment with Pujols and his son. Carlos Pena has one of those super infectious smiles. He’s also yelling, “GET UP!” at his outs, but he only ends up with 5 homeruns.

Home Run Derby Baseball

Ryan Howard, the “Native Son,” is up. He’s also batting without a cap. Howard is being pitched to by his summer high school baseball coach from St Louis. Awwww.

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Joe Mauer is getting his warm up swing on, and I’ve started playing around on my new obsession, the game FarmTown on Facebook. Chase Utley and Charlie Manuel are yucking it up in foul territory, and Chutley is surrounded by a bunch of children I’m pretty sure are not his. Howard hit seven homeruns, and they have a nice shot of Joe Mauer walking up the tunnel. Ryan Howard is receiving a towel from one of Miguel Tejada’s kids, and aw shucks this is so pleasant.

Erin Andrews is interviewing Roy Halladay, who is my second favorite Roy in MLB. Halladay loves Toronto, and Mauer loves St Louis has he gets the party started with a homerun. We’re still in the first round, by the way. Joe Mauer is my second favorite catcher to ever wear number 7. He’s definitely the handsomest. Mauer unfortunately only hits five, so it seems like he’s done. He walks off all handsome like and gets some congratulations from his fellow American Leaguers.

All handsome-like, indeed.

All handsome-like, indeed.

Pujols is up, and it seems like his nerves have got the best of him. 6 outs, 1 HR. The Pujols/Franklin/Tejada children are flipping out, and I’d like more adorable children shots when the batters aren’t doing so well. They’re playing “Rock and Roll Pt 2” in an attempt to rile him up. Pujols hits five, and Mauer nervously drinks Gatorade on the sideline while little baseball player children dogpile each other.

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There’s a three person bat-off now, between Pena, Mauer & Pujols. Each batter gets five outs. This is less exciting than the Cullen Jones/Garrett Weber-Gale swim-off of yesterday, if only because that only lasted twenty seconds. Pena is calling for time-out, and I might have found that funny two hours ago. Pena hits 1.

Mauer’s up again, bantering with the catcher. We’re being told that he is the most polite major league baseball player evervevevrevevr. Mauer hits zero, which is sad, but it’s five more than Brandon Inge.

...Just because.

...Just because.

Pujols wins the bat-off with two, and a dude with a mohawk and the number five on his head wipes sweat off of him. They are related, I’m sure.

Home Run Derby Baseball

So we’re finally heading into the second round, Nelson Cruz & Prince Fielder tied for first with 11, Ryan Howard with 7, and Pujols bringing up the rear with 5.

We’re in the second round, and my interest has severely waned, so I’ll wake up for the finals.

Okay, we’ve made it to the finals. Sort of. It’s Fielder versus Cruz. Someone in the Fielder camp just awkwardly patted him on that back while Fielder wasn’t looking at all. He was kissing his son.

CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZ.

Actual commentary: Will Prince be king or will Nelson be Cruz-ing? Please don’t make me do more of this.

Curtis Granderson is being interviewed now, and since I like him for no reason whatsoever, I’m okay with this. He’s trying to teach people that they can donate time even if they’re not famous. Yay! They grow plants, eat hot dogs and play Wii, so this is obviously the best charity ever. CHARITY PLUG. Unfortunately, I am not a high schooler, so no hot dogs, Wii and planting for me. So, apparently you can only volunteer with charities if you’re famous or in high school. Damn you, Granderson!

I predict that Nelson Cruz hits 239493243294324 homeruns in this round and wins, and then I can go to sleep. Someone who works for ESPN just got hit by a ball or something. I don’t even know what’s going on anymore. We’ve fizzled here. Prince Fielder’s kid is stealing baseballs or something. This is what they should air for insomniacs.

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Nelson Cruz only hit five. And they keep talking about how a lot of people don’t know who he is, but damnit ESPN, he’s on my fantasy team so shut your mouth.

Fielder is up, and since I highly doubt that five will win it, we might as well just hand him the trophy now and fastforward through this drudgery. Fielder is up to four, and Cruz looks insanely nervous. And now it’s tied. One more Prince! You can do it! I need to sleep!

I can't decide whether Braun is happy for his teammate or happy that it's FINALLY OVER.

I can't decide whether Braun is happy for his teammate or happy that it's FINALLY OVER.

It’s over! Kids are super excited. Nelson Cruz is wandering around in a serious depression. Someone should check on him. Next year? Maybe I’ll just do the Celebrity & Legends game. Guaranteed to be short and to the point. Sigh.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 6, 2010 4:48 am

    I was on the gateway arch in 2003 and it was great. It is just impressiv what was build there. And the museum is worth a look.

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