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The Taylor Lautner/Bon Jovi Liveblog

December 13, 2009

It’s been awhile. I haven’t even watched an episode of SNL since the Taylor Swift extravaganza, so I’m a little rusty. I’ve been out of town, had my family visit, gotten bronchitis, worked too much, seen a few bands, fallen in an inexplicable love for the drummer of the Arctic Monkeys and had that love realized when he sang this little ditty:

LOVE IT.

Anyways, I don’t know what to expect from an episode with two pretty boys (Taylor Lautner and Bon Jovi). I hope that this doesn’t end up being miserable. If it does, I’ll just continue watching Arctic Monkeys videos.

I have ONE THING to say about this SNL: There NEEDS to be a Jon Bovi appearance.

Cold Open: Mark Sanford, John Ensign and John Edwards discuss media coverage of Tiger Woods’ affairs on C-SPAN. There’s something so strange about Sudeikis’ wig. The way the light is reflecting off of it makes it look like he’s wearing a yarmulke. It’s vaguely distracting. I actually am not familiar with the John Ensign affair. So I looked it up. Also, Gov Sanford, your wife’s name was a Twitter trending topic the other day. Don’t worry, you’re getting your shitty coverage. A-Rod is Dominican. I’m bored. Wrap this ish up.

Monologue: I always thought his name was pronounced LOT-ner. I’m sorry for all of my mispronunciations, Shark Boy. How tall do we think this dude is? He’s making jokes about being a baby in heaven, but he’s got some pretty decent timing, so this could be okay. Like Kenan as Reba McEntire. He is also nervous laughing a lot.. hm. OMG. He just did a back flip for no reason. And showing off his crazy martial arts skills that have now caused Kanye West his head. I am laughing more than the audience is. That’s intimidating.

Rose Bowl Promos: Kenan had to run really fast to get to this scene for a four second camera stare. Could’ve been someone else, no? Taylor is Phil Pomeroy, a back-up QB who can’t handle looking into the camera and smiling. Now he’s dancing, and it’s weird.

Sue’s Secret: This is that Kristen Wiig sketch where she plays the lady who can’t keep a surprise. This one involves Abby Elliott and Taylor Lautner’s bad wig having a baby. Sue is eating a cheeseball because she just can’t handle the secret. And now her head is crammed in a stocking. And she has destroyed a gingerbread house and climbed up a chimney. So intense. And they’ve told their parents. Is Sue going to fall down the chimney? No, she is breaking through a window and stealing the Christmas tree. That’s what happens to me when I find out about secrets, too.

Next week is James Franco and Muse. Agh! I want to go!!

PGA Tour: Because we’ll never be done making Tiger Woods jokes. I like that New Zealand guy. I can’t remember his name, though. Jason Sudeikis is drinking in fear of all of the lost viewers while sponsors drop like flies.

Show Choir: It’s Jingle Jangle Jam time! They’re Christmas rapping, while Andy Samberg yells things from the crowd. Andy Samberg’s only job this episode has been to make funny faces. Now the Principal is making fun of them, aw. I kind of am in love with Andy Samberg right now, and I don’t know why, because this is juvenile. Poor little Mikosh. Samberg has now joined the show choir while Lautner moonwalks.

pGA Tour 2: Sudeikis is all touseld and drunk and being sponsored by Bernie Madoff and the movie Old Dogs. This sketch is pretty much Sudeikis at his best. The uncomfortable corporate man.

Bon Jovi – Superman Tonight: Since I don’t really care about Bon Jovi, let’s talk about bands I would rather see right now who could be on SNL. Arctic Monkeys. The Strokes. Vampire Weekend. I’ll interrupt this list to say that they shockingly sound awful. I wasn’t expecting this, honestly. And Richie Sambora is wearing way too much make-up. This is awkward and uncomfortable. But the SNL stage has pretty lights!

Weekend Update: Seth Meyers! In my unintentional SNL sabbatical, I have missed the Seth Meyers zingers. Tiger Woods side dishes! I hope that they mention that Annise Parker is the mayor of Houston.

Favorite line so far: During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen saying, “I’m the President, but he’s the Boss,” at which point Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.

Nasim Pedrad is out playing Tiger Woods’ Mistress Number Fifteen, but she also kind of looks like that Rachel Uchitel chick. And I am sad that I can mention Rachel Uchitel by name. And appearance.

Seth is squinting at a joke that went over bad, and well, that was funnier than the joke itself. Of course.

Fred Armisen is out as Billy Smith, the Native American comedian. This hasn’t been done in a long time. I miss the weird Fred bits like this. I also wish that it was tomorrow so that I could screen grab some of this, because both of their faces are so very amusing. And you can hear Seth laughing in the background. I love it.

I am about 100% certain that the Randy Moss joke is Seth’s favorite from this Update. And with a pause and a last minute reach out to tap the desk next to him (aw, he still does that, he’s so twee), we’re out.

Twilight: This is so obviously a Twilight sketch right away. Ha, Taylor Lautner is a high school chick who is Team Edward. For the record, I am Team Jacob, but only because I legitimately cannot handle how awful the books are and Jacob is the only real character in any of the books. But then they go and ruin it all by having him imprint at the end. That’s the most I will ever say about Twilight here. Anyways, the teacher is making them debate Team Edward vs Team Jacob in front of the class. Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing. I want to bake cookies on Taylor Lautner’s abs, too. Also, now we see that Taylor was wearing a jean skirt. Ha.

PGA Tour 3: Sudeikis is drunk and singing “Eye of the Tiger” with a tie around his head. The letter Q and Seltzer are now sponsors. I’m sure that this is all scripted, but this is something that Sudeikis would be great at improving, too. PS. YIKES!

Love Connection: We are taking a journey about makin’ LOVE connections around the world. We’ve stopped at Steven and Kendra in the froyo store in the mall. Steven just pulled a rubber ball out from between his legs. Loooove yeaahhhhh. Kenan keeps sliding in and out of the scene, but he just fell off his slider. He’s also not happy that Steven is obsessed with hobbits and unusually hairy. Okay!

Bon Jovi – When We Were Beautiful: We’re getting all serious here. And for the record, there has been no Jon Bovi, sio this episode is dead to me. At least the Bon Jovi parts. I’ve enjoyed Taylor Lautner.

Doorbells & More: Yeah, I don’t hang out with people with shitty doorbells. I’m just going to go ahead and say that I don’t like Jenny Slate that much. She’s awkward and looks like she’s trying too hard. Maybe when she gets more comfortable it’ll come together, but for now, I’d rather not see her headline a sketch. It’s kind of painful. Taylor Lautner has been more natural this episode than her. And hey! Fred Armisen, I almost forgot you were on this show. “Ding Dong, woof, bears.”

Closing: Taylor did a fairly admirable job. The episode was nothing exceptional, but it was watchable. I watched YouTube videos instead of Bon Jovi, though. Next week is going to bring the house down, right? RIGHT. Also, the awkwardly placed (but nice) memorial card to Heino Ripp, who was a tech director for SNL for a number of years.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. anonymous permalink
    December 13, 2009 1:23 am

    Did you notice that Taylor missed kicking off Kanye’s head (twice to be exact) at the beginning monologue?? hahaha

  2. alisa permalink
    December 13, 2009 11:09 pm

    hi, stumbled across your blog looking for a recap of last nights SNL… it’s too bad they didn’t mock seth’s appearance on Martha Stewart last week… you should check it out online if you missed it. way more entertaining that last night’s SNL 🙂

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