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July 27, 2012

OH MAN, INTERNET. I’m late to the Olympics, I’m so sorry! Listen, here’s the thing. During the Beijing Olympics I was really really really unemployed, so I had a lot of time to be meticulously liveblogging everything ever.

This year, I’m really kind of overemployed (I’M NOT COMPLAINING, DON’T FIRE ME, JOB), but that means I am late to the Opening Ceremony and then I feel like a failure. So, I apologize and I love you all and we all love each other and lets be friends forever, okay?

I’m going to try to LiveBlog from where I’m at right now. So… HERE WE GO!

JK Rowling just made an appearance and I have to admit I don’t know what she read out loud because I was maniacally typing all that up there.

There is a parade of villains from popular children’s literature from England and I am already loving this. I just saw VOLDEMORT, guys. And Cruella. And CAPTAIN HOOK! This is very exciting. I love villains. Now a team of Mary Poppins are dancing around taking down the villains.

All the little nursies dancing around is cute, but this is weird. It reminds me a lot of Disney World. I used to work there and once, they made me work in the UK Pavilion in Epcot and it was so awesome for me, but not for anyone else. All the little kid dudes and babes were like “who the hell is this jackass from Miami? WHERE’S POOH?” I don’t know, little dudes and babes. I don’t know.

AHHHH GIANT BABY. This is hilarious. The announcer just said, “I don’t know whether this is cute…. or creepy.”

I think that about myself every day, announcer dude.



The London Symphony Orchestra is going to perform Chariots of Fire. Why do orchestra conductors always have the most amazing/terrifying hair? Same with MAD GENIUSES.

AHHH ITS MR. BEAN. Okay, its Rowan Atkinson. He’s bored and playing a keyboard with the orchestra. I wish it was a keytar. HAH HE’S TWEETING NOW. And now he’s dreaming of running on the beach with some hotties. And now he’s zooming ahead of the hotties in a car. Oh, you clever fox.


The crazy-haired conductor is glaring at him, and now IT’S OVER.

That was fun. COMMERCIALS!

Okay, we’re back. A Mini just rolled in and some kids are getting out. This segment, according to the announcers, is an ode to my bff the internet, apparently. What?

People are waving around their iPhones. GO GO SIR JONY IVE. I don’t get this part at all. Danny Boyle, I’m confused. There are some people traveling through a series of TUBES which I think are supposed to represent you know, the internet? I don’t know.

Now they are celebrating British music? According to the announcers, anyway. I think they don’t actually know what they’re talking about.

Now they’re all dancing to The Rolling Stones. Well, okay. There’s some side story about a kid who is following some girl who lost her phone and he’s trying to follow her through this crazy musical tribute. WILL THEY FALL IN LOVE? WHO KNOWS! She looks like she’s pretty busy.

Now its THE MONKEES. I used to love them when I was 14 and ridiculous. Oh I just remembered the sad sad death of Davy Jones. :C



That woke me from my slumber. Go go Wayne’s World!

Now they’re in the 80’s and 90’s and I start getting interested finally. They played some Annie Lennox and now its THE PRODIGY. Bahahahah. Oh, memories.

Oh the guy and the girl who lost her phone have finally met up. ARE THEY GONNA MAKE OUT NOW? They’re just slowly walking towards each other and he gives her back her phone. AND NOW THEY’RE MAKING OUT TO BLUR. Oh, the 90’s. And to tie this all to the internet, the girl changed her relationship status on Facebook.

Now Dizzee Rascal is performing live. YEAH YEAH YEAH DANCE PARTY. I’d dance if I wasn’t frantically typing. Aw, Valerie by Amy Winehouse is playing. And then it is ruined by Muse.

I hate Muse, I’m sorry. I try to like them but I just can’t.

Tim Berners Lee, purported creator of the internet, just appeared and types out THIS IS FOR EVERYONE in the arena. That’s cool I guess but we all know that Al Gore invented the internet, okay? Come on. And he invented it not for everyone, but specifically for me to be the internet girlfriend of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Duh.

Hey, who invited Ryan Seacrest to the Olympics?

What is going on here? NBC just cut to a weird interview with Michael Phelps and Ryan Seacrest. I guess the Parade of Nations is about to start. There wasn’t much of a transition there was there! It was like, OH HERE IS THE INTERNET and then OH HERE ARE HOTTIES FROM AROUND THE WORLD. Random.

Okay, I’m taking a break during the Parade of Nations and will be back once the end of the ceremony is back. Thanks for sticking with us, folks.

UPDATE: Okay, we’re back. The Parade of Nations is almost over and I seriously had the most alarming hottie ogling moment ever when I creeped on Tom Daley, forgetting that he is still PRACTICALLY A CHILD.

But omg:

Creeping is inevitable.

Doves riding bicycles are entering the stadium and this is not as dumb as it sounds. The Arctic Monkeys are performing and they are lovely as always, but this part is pretty boring. They’re playing “Come Together” by The Beatles and I am about to nap. Now there is a dove on a bicycle flying into the air. What is going on here.

Kim is VERY UPSET that they didn’t play more of the Arctic Monkeys in this pretaped broadcast, and that dumb old Bob Costas wouldn’t shut up while they were playing.

The mayor of London and the President of the IOC are speaking now, welcoming us all to London. ONE DAY I WILL BE IN YOU, LONDON. LIVE AND IN PERSON.

The Queen officially opens the games and HELLO FIREWORKS SPECTACLE. That was pretty. Now the Olympic flag is coming in.

Oh sorry, I took a little nap there for a minute.

Now the torch is finally on its way! David Beckham is bringing it into the stadium. Now some kids are bringing it to the cauldron. Really, there’s not a lot to liveblog about during this part, but it’s very pretty and I like it. The young athletes hugging their sponsors and then lighting their torches was sweet.

They finally made it to the cauldron and are about to light it! AND THERE IT GOES! It’s slowly being lit one flame at a time.

Kim is not loving this part.


Anyway, the individual copper petals of the torch eventually rose up and joined together to form the cauldron and THAT was pretty cool. Then FIREWORKS SHOWWW! And Paul McCartney.

Shoulda been Jesse McCartney.


Okay, so now Paul McCartney is singing “Hey Jude” and I need to make a confession, internet.

I don’t care for the Beatles. I’M SORRY. I just don’t. I might even say I dislike the Beatles. And especially Hey Freakin’ Jude. WHATEVER. Forgive me?

Now all the athletes are posing for photos and everyone is dancing around and singing along and it’s cute, I guess. MAN I JUST WISH I WAS THERE. Next time, Rio. I will be there. I know I said this four years ago but, man, life gets in the way of my dreams sometimes.

Ain’t that always how it is.

Okay, what’s the verdict, folks? How do you think Danny Boyle did? How did this opening ceremony compare to BEIJING? Leave your thoughts in the comments!


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