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Olympics 2012 Primetime Day 1

July 28, 2012

Hello Internet! Welcome to my LiveBlog of tonight’s NBC Primetime Olympic broadcast. Slated today is a lil bit of Gymnastics, a lil bit of Swimming, and I guess some other stuff. This is going to be a LONG POST, so bare with me. I try to cover everything NBC is showing us, you know, for the lolz.

~*~*~*The Costas~*~*~ just gave us a disclaimer that everything we’ll be seeing tonight is pre-taped, but don’t worry cos they won’t give us spoilers. WELL THANKS, COSTAS. I WISH THE REST OF THE WORLD/TWITTERVERSE WAS AS CONSIDERATE AS YOU. I had to unfollow all of my favorite athletes and half of my regular news orgs cos I kept getting spoiled today. V V V V V V upset about that. Whatever.

Now there’s a lil something about Gymnastics and I didn’t pay attention to it because I was being enraged about spoilers. Sorry.

Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte will be competing in their first final tonight and [although I am SPOILED ON THE RESULTS, THANKS A LOT @RYANLOCHTE], I am super excited. I know this year is gonna be the year of Lochte. I’ve been saying it since January. IT’S THE YEAR OF MY BOY, GUYS. I WAS THERE FIRST.

Remember this? No? I DO. Hello 2003.

Okay, now they’re showing us some of Beach Volleyball, and I love love love Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh-Jennings. They are competing right now against Australia and are behind by one point.

The announcers are talking about Misty and Kerri’s last names now that they’re both married, and I am remembering in Beijing when Kerri lost her wedding ring in the sand. Whoops!

Now the announcers are telling a story about how Misty was done with competing and Kerri found a different partner, but then Misty “woke up in tears realizing she had unfinished business.” And then Kerri  called her new partner and broke up with her, and there’s so many KERRI AND MISTY ARE IN LOVE jokes happening right now but it’s okay, I accept their love of one another. They are inseparable.

Okay, I love watching Beach Volleyball (for some deluded reason I have always felt like Volleyball is the only Olympic sport I could actually play, but let’s be honest until LiveBlogging about celebrities becomes an Olympic sport I think I’m out of luck.) but there is not much to blog about here.

Misty and Kerri won the first set of their match against Australia and after the commercial break, they’re doing a quick round up of women’s indoor Volleyball. That’s cool I guess. CAN WE GET BACK TO THE GAMES AND STOP WITH THESE FEATURES, ~*~*~*COSTAS~*~*~*?

WAIT NOW THERE IS A FEATURE ABOUT LOCHTE, AND THEY ARE INSIDE HIS SHOE CLOSET. This is hilarious and awful. I love Lochte so much. And you know its unconditional because he is straight up ridiculous.

They’re talking about his green sneakers by Speedo, which say Lochte and Jeah on the soles. Oh God.

Now they’re talking about his crazy strongman training routine, where he flips giant tires up and down the street and drags huge chains and so on. This is so old, NBC. I’m old memeing you guys right now.

More Volleyball. Snooze. It’s the second match and AUS and USA are tied at 19 points. I love how AUS are our rivals in pretty much everything. I LOVE AUSTRALIA SO MUCH, THOUGH. I went through a phase earlier this year where I only watched Australian teen dramas on Netflix. It was weird, and wonderful.

AHHH the match is over and USA won. OF COURSE. Its Misty and Kerri. It looked like Kerri was crying for a minute there after winning their first match.

Do you remember?! Oh yes.

Okay, after the commercial break we’ll have some Gymnastics Qualifiers and then.. SWIMMING!!!

They’re doing a small feature right now about the Chinese Men’s Gymnastics team, and how they are elite athletes of course but they are all suffering injuries. Or something, that’s what I gathered from the 10 seconds I half paid attention to.

Thanks Kim!

Guo Weiyang is up on the high bar and the announcers are talking about how he is a replacement athlete for someone who was injured. He has not yet even trained in London so far. Holy cow.

High bar is so crazy! I am afraid of everything, you see, so the way they fly around the way they do just terrifies me. Gymnastics is probably the most stressful sport I watch. Weiyang seems to be doing really great, though, as far as my untrained eye can see, anyway. WAH He did take a huge step forward on his dismount, though. But come on!

Zhang Chenglong is up next and please forgive me if I get any of these names wrong, it is painstaking trying to figure them out while also typing frantically. He’s kinda tall for a gymnast (5’8 HELLO THERE!) and he is FLYING THROUGH THE AIR on that high bar! Wow he flew off the dismount and stuck the landing and I like pretending that I know what’s going on. Kim also wants to comment on how his tongue is blue. What?

Zao Kai is up next and he is pocket sized holy moly. Spinning around on that bar IT’S LIKE HE’S DANCING. This is so nuts. How do they do this? He takes a little step on the dismount and the announcers are tearing him apart. They see things I don’t. Like MAGIC.

Oh man now they’re telling this long story about an Irish gymnast, Kieran Behan, who is preparing for his floor exercise. He has suffered a TON of injuries, a TON OF THEM, and then his mom was worried about his mental state. What on earth. Thanks for that bummer of a story, announcers.

Kieran seems to be doing pretty well. I hate Floor Exercise, though, HOW AWKWARD IS ALL THE POSING?! Oh man he just stumbled on a landing and almost fell. And now he legit did fall and he smiles because he knows his fate, but he is happy just to be there. THIS IS TOO DEEP FOR ME.

Now there’s some hunk from GBR on the Pommel Horse and he is a hunk. Weird hair, but a hunk nonetheless. His name is Louis Smith. He is a HUNK. With my track record he’s probably 18. Sigh.

Anyway he ACES his routine and GBR are moving on to the Gymnastics finals! Now they’re all crying and the whole stadium is cheering and awww, shucks. I love me some Olympics emotions. And hunks.

Okay, they’re doing a feature about Michael Phelps now, OF COURSE, and they show this crazy clip of him from when he was like, easily, 14 years old and it is SO CRAZY. Baby Phelps. He says he’s been swimming for 20 years. That stands out because I am currently having an INTERNET FIGHT with someone who insists that Phelps isn’t dedicated to his sport and his accomplishments have all been a fluke.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Whatever I’m not bringing this fight here because it is totally ridiculous.

Say what you want about Michael Phelps, and even I have moments where I want to smack him upside the head, but I love him so much. I love the whole USA Swimming team, honestly, and Phelps is a modern legend. I’m so glad to have been following him for the past eight years. Rio 2016 is going to be really hard.


So, anyway, we’re minutes away from the battle between Phelps and Lochte and they’re talking about how Phelps almost didn’t make it to this final. He came in 8th place in his heat and JUST beat out Lazlo Cseh of Hungary, and Kim wants me to tell you all that she is super upset that Lazlo did not make the final.

Seriously, she’s been telling me to say that since I started this post.

Okay IT’S TIME for the Mens 400 IM.

Phelps is wearing his headphones and I am wondering what he is listening to.

THERE’S MY BOY LOCHTE! He is NOT wearing headphones. I’m sure Lil Wayne is upset. TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, BOO.

Okay, here’s the field. This is important.

1.  Yuya orihata of JPN

2. Thomas Fraser Holmes of AUS

3. Ryan Lochte of USA

4. Kosuke Hagino of JPN


6. Thiago Pereira of BRA and he is my favorite emotional swimmer. WATCH HIM AND STAND BACK AS HE FREAKS THE HELL OUT AFTER EVERY RACE.

7. Luca Marin of ITA, of the crazy Federica Pellegrini terrifying nude photo scandal. Hot, but douchey.

8. Michael Phelps of USA

I have NEVER seen Phelps in lane 8. This is crazy. Lochte is like TWO body lengths ahead of anyone else as they switch up to the breast stroke. My boo is so good. These are gonna be his games. Is he gonna break a world record? IN JAMMERS? YES. YESSSS. He is just slightly ahead of WR omg.


Japan’s Hagino gets the bronze and Pereira gets silver.

Milky doesn’t medal. 😦 Sad.

But whatever sorry I’m not sorry RYAN I LOVE YOU.


AHHHHH. via.

Andrea is interviewing Lochte and he says it’s his year (which I’ve been saying all year OKAY?). Kim comments:

Now she is talking to Phelps who is clearly so upset about his finish. I hate to see my favorite swimming bromance in turmoil. That was really dramatic, I’m sure there’s no turmoil. But still.

OKAY. Gymnastics.

Our favorite pocket hottie, Jonathan Horton is up and Kim and I are SO EXCITED. He’s about to compete in pommel horse. Pommel Horse, btw, is another terrifying gymnastics event. I worry for them every time. He just mounted and he is looking good. GO JO HO GO. WHOOPS. He is off the horse. What happened?

I don’t know what happened, but apparently it’s not good. Aw, Jo Ho.

Sam Mikulak is up now and this year’s team is kinda collectively hot. I will tell you about MY FAVE in a minute. Okay so Sam spends the entire routine just SPINNING AROUND the pommel horse and I am LOVING THIS.


Danell Leyva is next up and I am required to root for him because he is from ~*~*~*MIAMI~*~*~* but he is not my favorite on this team. Alas!

Okay, he just mounted the pommel horse and he is moving FAST across that thing. His routine looks agreat but we have already determined I have no idea what I’m talking about. The announcers are saying he did a great job, though so I believe them. Actually, the announcer just said “THAT WAS MONEY.”

Don’t ever say that again, announcer.


John Orozco is up next and they keep showing off his mom who has a USA flag tucked into her bun. Hilarious. Okay he did a great job on the horse too. He did something weird on his dismount, though.

Okay, for the 5th time today I ask you, who invited Ryan Seacrest to the Olympics? I seriously don’t remember seeing him at Beijing or in Athens, so what on earth is he doing in London? Get that guy outta here.

I don’t need you tellin’ me about the Twitter, guy, I LIVE THERE. OH GOD. Now they’re talking about the USA Swimming Call Me Maybe video, which I was going to post about yesterday but am glad I didn’t because seriously, no one will shut the hell up about it. GOD.

Okay, rage over. I’m gonna take my dog for a walk, this is ridiculous.

Hi I’m back. There’s a race happening. What’s happening? I’m the worst OH WAIT I know what this is.

So earlier today, Park Tae Hwan of Korea, a favorite to win Gold in the Men’s 400M Free, was disqualified from this event for a false start. Kim and I were totally perplexed, as was everyone else in the world, because there was no visible false start that we could detect.

A little while later, however, the judges overturned their ruling and reinstated his time. Super excited because I love Park Tae Hwan and he has totally been featured in hotties posts of the past.

Hello there. via.

Sun Yang of China just won gold in this event, though, leaving Park to grab silver and Peter Vanderkaay, American photobomber extraordinaire to grab bronze. YAY USA. Apparently China has never won a gold in this event, so that’s exciting for them!

Back to Olympics, Team USA are now competing on vault and Sam Mikulak just KILLED IT SO HARD. What on earth!

Oh, I guess they’re not all on vault cos now John Orozco is on Parallel Bars. Uhoh, he made a big error which even I could notice, but then he goes on to nail the rest of his routine so hopefully that will make up for it.

Danell Leyva is up next on the bars and he just messed up one of his elements but he had a good landing. A little something about me: when it comes to Gymnastics all I care about are falls and dismounts and hilarious poses, because I do not know enough about this sport to notice anything else. So if someone has a great dismount and doesn’t like fall on their head or something, in my opinion it’s a GOOD DAY.

Sam Mikulak is up next. Now that I have outed myself as knowing nothing about Gymnastics can we talk about how cute the team is? Collectively they are adorable.

Oh GOD WAIT just as I say something about falls, Sam Mikulak has a NASTY fall off the high bar and I pretty much poop my pants. Oh man oh man I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIS. I’M SORRY, AMERICA.

Okay, back to cute:

l to r: Jo Ho, John Orozco, Sam Mikulak, Jacob Dalton, and Danell Leyva. via.

Jacob Dalton has not competed yet that I’ve seen, so I will take a minute to introduce you to his torso, since we love the torsos around here:

You’re welcome, internet.

They just did a LONG piece about John Orozco and it was sad. I don’t want any sadness at the freakin’ Olympics, NBC! Just gimme medals and hotties all day long, damn it.

John Horton did an AMAZING routine on the high bar and I am loving the hell out of him.


What? No grill?!

Okay, now we’re on the Women’s 400 IM final and three of my faves are in this race: Elizabeth Beisel (USA), Stephanie Rice (AUS) and Hannah Miley (GBR).

Hannah Miley’s name, TO THIS DAY, still makes me giggle every time. The announcers are talking about how they would be shocked if Stephanie Rice made it to the podium. RUDE. I love Stephanie, back off.

Katinka Hosszu of Hungary is in first place and she’s such a cutie. DANG okay the Ye Shiwen of China just SPED PAST EVERYONE and got the world record and the gold medal! China is dominating the finals tonight! Another Chinese swimmer, Li Xuanxu, got the bronze.

Elizabeth Beisel looks really upset. Boo. She got a silver medal, though! Sheesh.

Back to Gymnastics, its more Floor Exercise and I can’t cover this. I can’t! It’s just so ridiculous. I’d rather cover TRAMPOLINE. I’m skipping ahead.

I skipped ahead and we’re still on floor! Rude, NBC. Sam Mikulak is really attractive.

Oh HELLO Jake Dalton and HELLO Jake Dalton’s eyes.Oh God, the posing! I don’t understand floor exercise. I mean, okay, I do understand it but still. If I have to watch this event I’m going to whine that they should require the athletes to be shirtless while performing. Seriously. That would greatly improve floor exercise.

Yes pls! via.

The mens team just qualified for the finals yessss! Now they’re in a huddle and Jo Ho is giving them an inspirational speech and Kim and I wish we were part of that huddle. I think we are too tall for that huddle, though. We would have to crouch down pretty far.

Back to swimming! It’s the Mens 100M Breaststroke and its is also the start of the KITAJIMA AND HANSEN SHOWDOWN! These are as exciting as Phelps/Lochte showdowns but NBC doesn’t think so.

This is an epic rivalry, people, between Japan’s Kitajima and USA’s Brendan Hansen. Brendan did not have a good Beijing Olympics and he considers this his time to make up for it. Buuuut he just came in 6th place in this heat so…

Come on, Hansen I HAVE FAITH IN YOU!

Eric Shanteau is up in the second heat! We know all about his Olympic/Cancer story, so I won’t go into it, but he is one of my top favorites although he’s definitely an under dog.

Okay, the field is called for the final tomorrow and Brendan Hansen JUST makes it into the final, in 8th place. Kitakima is in 6th, and the top three are Cameron Van Der Burgh (RSA), Fabio Scozzoli (ITA), and Brenton Rickard (AUS).

The Women’s 4×100 Free Relay Final just started and SADLY there is no Natalie Coughlin. This was her only event so the last we will see of her in London was during her semi-final in this event this afternoon. Sad.

Australia is in 1st place but the race is super tight! USA is in 3rd and Australia hits the wall first, getting the gold medal, The Nederlands takes Silver and USA gets bronze.

Kim is convinced that they would have won if Natalie Coughlin swam this event:

~*~*THE COSTAS~*~* is showing us a medal count from the games thus far, and so far China has the most medals at six, four gold and two bronze, and the USA has 5 (with the only gold being won by my boo Ryan Lochte #JEAHJEAHJEAH).

I think Primetime is done now so I will end this ridiculous liveblog here. Thanks for sticking with me WORLD! See you tomorrow!

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